The Mostly True Adventures of Wade Wilson in Equestria
by EmeraldsandAmethyst
Summary: What the # @! Author! Where did my % #*& hands go! Why do I have hooves, and wings! Deadpool's gonna kill a # %*! !ABANDONDED!
1. Chapter the First

Summary: Summary? What's that, like a recap page? Ugh, fine.

Hey True Believers, bronies and pegasisters, (Seriously? Ponies? After you read _Deadpool Now #27_? I hate you _so much_.) Deadpool here! I was trying to steal this Pan(sexual! Heey-o!)dimensional Vacuuming Thing-a-Majig when, I dunno, whatever villain's popular this year, Ultron, I guess. Yeah! When Ultron showed up and ruined everything! Wait, what's that? Oh, this story isn't actually about my awesome battle with Ultron?

Forget I mentioned that creepy robot, then. He's a jerk, anyways. Who wants to read about him?

What is this story actually about, you ask endearingly, dear reader?

This story is about only the most charming, sexiest, bad-assiest mercenary in Marvel, that's yours truly, me, Deadpool, getting turned into a futzing pony. What did ya think this story was about from the first line, du- ugh whaddya mean I can't insult the readers? And we're running out of room?

I'mDeapoolandnowI'maponyreadmystoryOKbye!

Deadpool (C) Marvel Comics  
My Little Pony (C) Hasbro

* * *

Chapter The First

In which Our Hero awakens in a Strange Forest and meets a Mare

In the Everfree Forest a pony woke up. He rubbed his head groggily and muttered to himself, "I don't care how much money they throw at me. The next time I see that pan-dimensional whatsit I'm gonna break it into Itty-bitty little pieces and burn it," he gazed at his surroundings bleary-eyed.

"This doesn't look like Kansas," he said while standing up and stretching his legs, his wings remaining at his sides. His voice was rough and distinctive, the sort of voice one could not forget if one heard it. His pristine wings and luxurious tail were a stark contrast to the rest of his heavily scarred body. The scarring was so severe that he had no mane. His original coat color was impossible to make out, now it was pale with scars. His cutie mark was a pony mask in the dia de los Muertos style. Red was a prominent accent color.

"Close enough. Does everything seem taller to you? Or is it just me?" he asked himself. He studied the canopy and realized that it was impossible to determine the direction from the sun or the stars. "Well, this is just fan-fucking-tastic," he said, then sighed theatrically and set out in a random direction. "Seriously though, something feels a little off," he said, to himself again, while walking in his chosen direction.

"Crap. You're right! Where are my clothes? My custom made—" he began, then paused in the middle of his distress to tilt his head and ears as if he was listening to somepony speak. He did not stop walking. His ears then flicked in a different direction, as if listening to a second speaker.

"Shaddup. Making it yourself is totally custom made. Anyways, where did all of our crap go?" he asked, apparently himself, or possibly the forest. The forest didn't respond. He looked down at his body to confirm the lack of possessions with his own eyes. He stared at his front hooves. "Am I hallucinating again?"

He raised one hoof up to his face for closer inspection. He wiggled it about. It remained a hoof. He sniffed his hoof dubiously. It smelled of dirt and rotting leaves. Cautiously, he licked his hoof. It tasted like the floor of a temperate forest. He grimaced at the taste and set his hoof back down. Just as it seemed that he was going to continue on his way he suddenly bit his hoof hard enough to bruise the tender frog.

"Ow!" he said, and shook his hoof. He examined his hoof once more and the bruise faded away as he watched. He nodded at this development and resumed walking. "At least I'm still awesome!" he declared to all within hearing range as he continued onwards.

—

After some time walking with purpose but without aim the scarred pony reached a small trail. It could have been a wide game trail, or a small foot path in a poor, rural area. He did not recognize the forest that he was in and was unwilling to make assumptions.

"You know what they say about assuming things," he said as he chuckled.

"I know what they say is crass as can be. Those who assume make an ass of both you and me," said a melodic female voice.

The scarred pony leapt with great agility and landed in a threatening pose on his hind legs, forelimbs ready to strike. His wings were strangely resting against his barrel. His threatening pose was ruined however when he tripped on his tail and fell in a heap at the hooves of the voice's owner. The owner of the voice was an exotic zebra that was wearing golden necklaces and bracelets. She had a stylized sun as a cutie mark. She was just off the trail, in a patch of strange berry bushes. She was in the midst of gathering the berries into a hoofwoven basket.

"There is no need for such a production, I was quite rude, it is true. I apologize for my prior interjection. I hope this can satisfy you. Zecora is my name, would you care to offer the same?" the lady zebra, Zecora, said. The scarred stallion stood up and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"I can think of more satisfying things than names, little miss sassy pants," he said in what he clearly thought of as a charming manner. She seemed puzzled by his response, instead of outraged. His ears flicked as if listening to somepony. His eyes grew distant and he swiveled his ears in a different direction, as if listening to another pony speak. He looked puzzled.

"Yeah, why didn't she run away screaming from our handsome mug?" he asked, rubbing his chin. It didn't appear that he meant to address Zecora, but she responded as if he had.

"I am no little pony, to hide from those that are strange. Your hide is well worn, it is true, but rare is the stallion so unadorned—" she gestured at his scars, "—in my home grange," she finished. Then she began walking toward the path that he was inadvertently blocking. He moved aside and followed her down the hoof path. "My chore here is through. If it is Ponyville—" The scarred stallion made a face of distaste while mouthing the town name. As Zecora was slightly ahead of him she did not notice his reaction and continued speaking. "-that is your goal, I have some advice, if you would share with me a hot stew bowl?" she said and turned her head to meet his bright eyes.

"I never turn down free food!" he replied. He pronked in place in celebration then paused. He gazed into the distance and his ears flicked as if listening to a conversation. "It would be a shame," he agreed with no one. "You sure are awfully chummy with someone you just met, tootsie pop. Haven't you heard of stranger danger? I bet you get lots of less than savory types out here in this nice, secluded, out of the way forest," he said in concern.

"Everypony is what is said in Equish," she said. "Your concern is touching, but soft, now. I make creatures far more fearsome than ponies go 'squish'." She said with confidence.

He clapped his hooves in delight, and pressed against her like a school filly ready to gossip with a friend. "Oh! Do tell!" he shrieked as close to girlishly as he could manage. Zecora raised her head back in surprise and swished her tail.

"It is of nothing to boast, don't get the wrong notion. I can stop beasts with a toast, and heal ponies with a potion." She said. The strange stallion resumed walking next to her.

"So you're a hoodoo lady," he said while he nodded. "That can be powerful stuff. Not as awesome as me of course!" he stopped walking to pose and flex, then bounced ahead to pose theatrically. Zecora paused as well, her eyes sparkled with amusement until they settled on his unmoving wings.

She gestured to them and asked, "Your wings are unnaturally still, have you suffered some ill?"

"I have wings?!" he yelled, in such a way that it was both an exclamation and a question. He looked quite surprised and tilted his head so that he could see his back. He spun in a circle in his excitement as he began flexing his wings. He caught one wing in his mouth and stopped spinning. His other wing flapped in excitement. He roughly pulled his leading primary feather out and began examining it with his mouth and hooves. His missing feather was quickly replaced with another.

"Do my eyes deceive me? You have one too many feathers primary!" Zecora exclaimed.

"Oh. Yeah. Blah blah, origin story, blah blah, healing factor. Totes normal for the Regenerating Degenerate you see before you," he said casually, waving his hoof absently as he spoke. He dropped his feather and made a clumsy attempt at hovering in place. "Falcon makes this look so easy," he muttered to himself. Zecora was surprised at this turn of events.

"Do you mean that these wings of yours were not on you when you were born? How does an earth pony come by wings but no horn? To seek godhood has been the doom of many a greedy pony, one must be blessed by a Princess to become an alicorn." Zecora said in concern.

"Ugh, why would I want to be a god? Asgardians are self-righteous douche nozzles," he said with derision. Zecora was comforted by this though she clearly did not understand his strange insult. "You're right about little baby Poolie not being born with wings though. These are new." He tried to gesture at his whole body and said, "This whole caboodle is new. Well, mostly new, I'm still a crazy awesome stud!" He posed in mid air and flexed in a way that showed off his peak physical condition. It also showed off his horrific scarring. "Hehehe, see what I did there." He giggled and winked at his terrible pun. He resumed his awkward flight next to Zecora as they walked down the path. Suddenly, a squirrel leapt out of a tree and landed on his broad muzzle. The squirrel offered the scarred stallion a flower.

His eyes widened and he screamed. "Oh gods I didn't do it! There's no need for you to call your buddies! Leave her out of this!" He flailed in ineffective terror and leapt at Zecora. "Save me!" he shrieked. The squirrel leapt off his face and back to its tree, taking its flower back with it. It was clearly offended. Zecora reared up in surprise at suddenly having a full grown stallion clinging to her. The panicked stallion was knocked off of her and back into the air. He flapped his wings, wobbled and then crashed into a nearby thorn bush. "Argh, why does it burn?" he wailed piteously. Zecora looked quite alarmed when he crashed. He managed to launch himself out of the painful thorn bush quickly, but he still had several ugly orange and black thorns stuck in his skin. They pulsed rather like a bee stinger. He landed on all four hooves and bucked and shook in an effort to remove them.

"Still your fighting so I may help! These thorns will do more than make you yelp!" Zecora said quickly. He immediately stopped his flailing.

"Is it gone? Is it gone!" he screamed. His muscles were jumping and twitching under his coat.

"The squirrel is gone, now hold calm yourself before you host screaming thorn spawn!" Zecora said as she slapped his face. The blow snapped him out of his hysteria and he stood still before her. Blood stained his pale coat where the thorns were pushing themselves deeper into his flesh. Zecora moved closer, and began carefully pulling the thorns out with her mouth. He reached up with his hoof and began brushing at the thorns he could easily reach. The thorns he manhandled broke off inside his flesh instead of falling out. Zecora swatted at his hoof with her tail and gave him a stern look, her mouth occupied with removing the thorns.

He grinned, unrepentant, and continued to brush at the thorns within easy his front hooves, "Healing factor, remember?" He said. He seemed to have forgotten his previous outburst, or was perhaps pretending it had not happened. The thorns without their strange, pulsating not-quite-a-heart to drive them deeper were pushed out of his body by his healing tissues. The cruelly barbed thorn tips fell to the ground with wet plops, leaving red trails in their wake. His that muscles twitched near the puncture wounds settled back down a few moments after the holes closed.

Zecora still continued to carefully and quickly remove thorns with her mouth. As she worked his eyes grew distant and his ears swiveled as if listening to a conversation. The forest creatures were completely silent. The only sounds to be heard were the moist pops of thorns being freed from flesh, the muffled sound of them dropping to the leaf litter as Zecora tossed them to the ground, and two ponies breathing. Her efforts yielded quite a pile of bloodied, poison oozing thorns.  
After a few moments the scarred stallion nodded his head as if in agreement with somepony and said with a serious expression, "The name's Wade."

Suddenly cheerful again, he stepped away from the zebra mare and with a quick, awkward flick of his wings broke off the rest of the thorns, allowing his healing factor to take over. His healing factor did not return the spilled blood to his body, which left his coat messy with red streaks.

"But I'm also known as your friendly neighborhood Deadpool!" He said as he waved a 'hello' at no pony in particular and posed dramatically as he introduced himself. He broke his dramatic pose to gaze at Zecora intently, and then leaned in close, with an only slightly creepy grin, and said, "Red's a good color on you, candy lips."

Zecora's lips were indeed red and sticky with his blood. She pulled her ears back and flicked her tail, clearly annoyed. Wade did not seem to notice and continued talking while she walked over to a nearby leafy plant and wiped her mouth on its leaves.

"That was awfully nice of you, pulling those nasty things outta my hide like that. Most friends—" he looked annoyed, as if he had been interrupted, and said, "They only try to kill me sometimes, that is plenty compelling evidence for friendship." He looked satisfied, as if he had proven a point. "Anyways," he declared loudly, in the manner of one pony talking over another. Zecora was now rinsing her mouth out with water that had been collected from a different, nearby plant. "They would have left me to my very manly display of anger and not at all girly screaming fear. At least until my healing factor took care of the poison. Nasty stuff, by the way, I don't recommend it."

Zecora crushed the base of each removed thorn beneath her hooves and gestured at Wade to do the same. When they were all destroyed she began leading him down the trail again and said, "I could never leave a creature to the mercies of the Screaming Thorn. Its poison is death most foul when dosed in full from one barb alone. If what you say is true, it is tragic. Friends do not leave each other to such a fate." She appeared deeply disturbed at the thought of anypony being left in such dire straights. "Those you call friends have kindness unknown, that they would have you such pain born."

Wade shrugged his wings and made a flippant gesture with his hoof. "Killing me doesn't keep me dead, you know, and it really is the only way to shut me up," he said while he nodded. His eyes grew distant for a moment. "Either that or lots and lots of duct tape."

"What you say may be so, but my eyes saw your pain. I thought that curses cannot be, but it appears upon you somepony did one bestow." She looked sad and thoughtful. "True friends, I think you need. In Ponyville you will find the Princess of Magic, let her share her spark with you and be freed."

"Oh a quest, let me update my journal!" he said, clearly excited. He stopped walking, reached into his tail and pulled out a red map pencil and hand made journal with his logo crudely drawn in crayon on the cover. He muttered to himself as he wrote in the book with his mouth. His mouth writing was English instead of Equish, and was barely legible. It read "Story Quest: Find/rescue?! ;) Princess of "Magic" Quest Reward: Phat Lootz, Chimichangas!" Zecora paused a moment at his odd behavior, shook her head, and then continued down the path.

"We will soon reach my humble home, my amenities are crude, it is true. I hope the lack of plumbing does not bother you," Zecora said. They came around a bend in the path and her hut was visible some distance away. Wade put his pencil and journal back in his tail and pronked towards Zecora's hut.

"Don't worry about it, toots. Ol' Wadey has stayed in plenty worse dives than this!" Wade said as he stopped before the door to her hut. He paced the diameter of the hut and leapt onto the roof before Zecora had reached the clearing. He scanned the surrounding area with a critical eye. Zecora raised an eyebrow but did not comment on his strange behavior. He leapt down from the roof to meet her at her door. "Nice arrangement, hard to sneak up on, good line of sight from the windows. Fire would take it out right quick though."

Zecora shook her head and said, "The Everfree is dangerous, it is true, but I have no worry for fire. The wood is cured from icewood trees and the thatch is woven with dried windigo's pyre." She opened the door and led the peculiar pony inside her hut. "Everypony knows in order to ward off a house fire you must use dried windigo's pyre. Proper defensive measures are common in my homeland, but fair Equestria has known peace for centuries. You do not have the carriage of a Saddle Mareabian nomad. Where can a pony fail to learn what all should know, but get training for such a peculiar demand?" She asked as she ladled hot stew from a cast iron pot into bowls. He looked around and then took out his red pencil and journal from his tail and scribbled down "look room" in English and then placed his pencil and journal back in his tail. He cocked his ears and waited as if listening for something.

A cauldron filled with water took up the center of the room. Near the window the cook pot was bubbling over a banked fire. Masks of greeting and welcome from Zecora's native land hung cheerfully on the walls of the room. Stoppered gourds and drying herbs hung from the ceiling. A comfortable looking raised bed was in the back of the room. Curiously, it was covered in a leopard pelt large enough to comfortably cover at least two adult ponies. Many unlabeled bottles, jars, and stoppered gourds lined the shelves of an alcove to the right. A bookcase lined with well loved books and potion ingredients was next to the alcove. A curtained doorway was to the left.

"Oh, the lovely and hospitable land of the Great White North ain't all eskimo kisses and tourist traps," he said. Zecora placed the stew bowls on a small table nearby. She then walked over to a basin and pulled a clean cloth from underneath.

"While we wait for the heat from our bowls to fade, use this to clean yourself, Wade." She said as she dipped the cloth in the water the basin contained and brought it over to Wade. He awkwardly stood on his hind legs and grabbed it with his front hooves. He clumsily began cleaning the blood off of his coat and wings with the wet cloth. Zecora placed two cups onto a tray and poured juice from a stoppered gourd into them. She carried the tray to the small table and set it down. Wade had wiped the blood off in such a way that his coat and feathers were now tinged pink.

"Lightish red," he said to no one, he definitely was not addressing Zecora. She looked around for whomever he was speaking to and swished her tail in mild annoyance. She sat at the small table and gestured for Wade to join her. He sat down and clumsily slurped at his stew. Zecora ate her stew quite daintily. While they ate, Wade flicked his ears as if listening to a conversation that Zecora couldn't hear. He belched loudly and wiped his mouth with the back of his hoof.

"It wasn't a chimichanga, but I guess it was pretty good," he said as he stood. He fluttered his wings and scanned the room from long ingrained habit. He sniffed the juice, shrugged, and tossed it down in one gulp. He smacked his lips and nodded. "Not bad for something healthy." Zecora finished her soup and collected their dirty dishes on the tray. Wade used his hind hoof to scratch an itch and watched as she put the dishes in a wash basin. "So you said something about this Ponyville and Princesses and going there," he said as he watched her clean the dishes. His ears flicked as if listening to a pony speak and he looked annoyed. "Ugh, fine," he said, then he picked up a clean cloth and started drying the dishes. Zecora looked pleased at his assistance, however graceless it was.

When she was finished rinsing the dishes and her mouth was free she replied, "Yes, so I spoke. In Ponyville resides the Princess of Friendship and Magic. I will lead you to the edge of the Everfree. From there, her castle you will see. Once in sight it is but a short walk or fast flight." Zecora pulled out a plain cloak and helped Wade to put it on. It did not cover him as well as it covered Zecora, but it was enough that nopony should faint or run from the sight of his extremely disconcerting appearance. "For now, borrow my trusty traveling cloak," she said. She checked the banked fire under the cooking pot and looked around her hut. Seeing that all was in order she nodded and walked towards the front door. Her tail flicked at Wade and he followed her out the door.

He gazed around the clearing and peered suspiciously into the trees while Zecora locked up her hut. They walked down the well worn path from her hut to the town of Ponyville. Wade muttered to himself about crazy girls, and squirrels. He stayed close to Zecora and kept his gaze flitting between the trees. As they skirted the poison joke patch Zecora warned him about it.

"These leaves of blue enjoy playing jokes on you. Keep away and you will have a good day," She said. He stared at the plants with curiosity as they passed by them. Abruptly he looked around at the forest with suspicion. No friendly animals leapt out to startle him, no errant rocks tripped him. They reached the edge of the Everfree without incident. Zecora stopped so that he could take in the scene that spread before them. He gazed at the massive castle made from crystal and whistled.

"Whoo-wee baby, that is some fancy palace," he said. Craters littered the countryside and town as if from an air strike or missile bombardment. Despite the serious damage to the town, ponies could be seen in the distance going about their day to day business. They could see that there were ponies in golden armor leading and helping work crews near the worst houses and craters.

"What you see before you was built with the magic of friendship. I know it is hard to believe. Yet whole from the ground did this castle heave." Zecora said. Wade laughed.

"Why flipping not? Magic is powered by friendship here. Makes as much sense as anything else in my life," he said. He pointed a forehoof at the castle and declared loudly, "Onward!" Zecora laughed at his antics.

"I am glad you are so eager to meet your fate, alas I cannot stay to see what awaits. I must return to my chore—" Zecora said, and was interrupted by Wade.

"I hope I wasn't a bore!" he said, and then giggled. Zecora flicked her ear in amusement.

"Boring you were not. But being a bit boorish you have been caught," she said.

"Ah, baby, honey, tootsie pop, you wound me," he said. He held a hoof to his chest as if injured and made comically pitiful faces at Zecora. She chuckled and turned back towards the Everfree.

"Farewell, goodbye, and on your 'quest' good luck. You are welcome to stop by—" Wade's wings popped out and he grinned lecherously. "—if you get stuck." Zecora was already walking away and missed his embarrassing lack of control over his wings.

His face fell momentarily and he muttered to himself in disappointment. Then he looked at his wings in confusion. "That was weird," he said as he tried unsuccessfully to fold them back against his body. He shrugged and started walking towards the colossal, crystal castle; with wings awkwardly stiff. His ears flicked back and forth, as if listening to two ponies speaking. He mumbled indistinctly to himself, and then said, "No, don't be stupid." After a few minutes of walking his wings relaxed. He stretched his wings experimentally and contemplated the castle, then gazed at his wings. "I probably won't crash into a fatally poisonous plant again. Probably," he said. His ears twitched as if he had heard a response to his statement and he looked determined. He launched himself up and slightly forward with a powerful leap and flew towards the colossal crystal castle.


	2. Chapter the Second

Chapter the Second  
In which Our Hero accidentally causes A Riot and gains A Companion

Wade had been correct in his thoughts that he wouldn't crash into a deadly, poisonous plant in his awkward flight towards the castle. He crashed into a surprisingly solid cloud, instead. He had been trying to avoid notice from below, and attempted to fly through a cloud for cover. Not expecting any resistance from water vapor, he bounced off the cloud and went careening towards the quite solid ground below. No helpful flying instincts came with his new body, leaving his frantic wing flapping uncoordinated. He went into a tailspin and started rolling.

"Why is this harder than flying a jet? There aren't even any buttons!" he screamed as he tumbled. He closed his wings and after a few moments he was falling head first towards the ground, only now he could see he was about to crash into another pegasus. He snapped his wings open and pulled up, successfully missing the other pony. She looked up in surprise and back winged clumsily away from him. The air pushed from his abrupt stop knocked some letters from her mailbag and blew back her yellow mane and tail. Unfortunately the force of his full stop fractured his flight humerus and wrenched his wings out of socket. The combined fracture and dislocation made a disturbingly loud 'kra-pop'. Unused to using his wings, the dislocation was too awkward for him to force them to work through it. He lost control again and resumed his fall.

The mailmare gasped and flew after him. "Don't worry mister, I'll catch you!" she shouted. After a few good flaps she did indeed catch him. She was gripping him around his barrel and panting from the strain of carrying both a full mailbag and a full grown stallion.

"My hero!" he said breathlessly. He held his forehooves together and blew a kiss at the gray mare. She blushed and shifted so that her mailbag fell to the ground below them. It was probably accidental, but it helped make carrying him easier. With much zigging and zagging they slowly approached the ground.

"I don't think I can make it to the hospital with you, but I'll go get help," she said earnestly as she set him on the ground.

"Don't worry, baby, give me two tail shakes and I'll be good as new!" Wade said. He tried to reach his wings with his hooves, then realized it was not really possible without further joint dislocations. Turning his head, he awkwardly grabbed a wing in his mouth and popped the dislocated flight shoulder joint back in place. It made a wet popping sound. He flapped and stretched the wing as he turned his head to pop his other joint back into place. "See, good as new!" he said, or rather attempted to say around a mouthful of wing. It came out more like "Eee, oo as ew!" He flexed and stretched both wings thoroughly for the helpful mare's scrutiny. One of her eyes wandered out of alignment, but her scrutiny of his wings was thorough all the same. His wing stretching pushed back the cloak and left his scarred barrel partially exposed. She gazed at him with concern but did not comment on his skin. Wade could now see that she had a picture of bubbles on her flank.

"I thought I heard a pop, are you sure everything's OK?" she asked. Wade settled his wings back under his borrowed cloak and nodded.

"Everything is peachy-keen, butter bean," he said cheerfully. She gazed at him doubtfully.

"Well, if you say so, mister," she said cautiously. She looked around, searching for her dropped mailbag.

"Whatcha lookin' for?" he asked her.

"My mailbag," she said, while looking under a sorted stack of recovered wooden planks. Her examination caused the neatly stacked planks to tumble down haphazardly. "Oops," she said. She looked around and nopony was nearby, except for the strange new pony she had almost crashed into. He did not seem to notice her accident. "It's brown and canvas and probably still has some mail in it." she added.

"Found it!" he said as he tripped over a brown canvas bag. The brass buckles had the seal of the Equestrian mail service stamped into them but otherwise it was unadorned.  
Wade slid his head under it and stood up, balancing the bag on top of his head. Somehow, he managed to keep his head cloaked throughout this process. He kept her mailbag balanced on his head as he followed her around. He muttered to himself and flicked his ears; gaze distant. The kind mare started searching for the scattered letters and placed them back in the bag as she found them. "Yeah, you're right, for a demilitarized zone everyone sure is friendly, " he said to himself.

"What was that, mister?" she asked him. She looked around, unsure if she had gotten all of the letters. She hadn't counted how many had fallen out as she had been much too distracted by the ensuing excitement. Wade flicked his long, blonde tail towards the last letter on the ground and popped it up into the air with a whip crack from his tail tip.

"Oh, I-uh, was just wondering about the post modern redecoration that this place has goin' on," he said as he maneuvered himself and therefore the bag underneath the letter to catch it as it floated down. The mailmare frowned and looked at him cautiously.

"You mean you really don't know?" she asked him. She had the air about her of a pony expecting a prank. Wade nodded and gazed seriously at her. The effect was somewhat lost by the cloak covering most of his face, but seemed to be enough to satisfy the gentle mailmare. "Oh, well, Princess Twilight defeated bad old Tirek here in Ponyville. It was a really scary fight, but it's been over for a while now. Were you hiding from that big meanie all this time?" She had not realized that the letter that Wade had flipped into the mailbag was the last one and was still looking for more mail. Wade shrugged.

"Eh, close enough. I've been incommunicado and don't really know what's goin' on here. I mean other than colorful talking ponies with an entire middle twentieth century civilization equivalent—" he interrupted his talk to mutter as an aside, "—implied by the rail lines I saw while flying, and an expert knowledge of the force needed to make all this rubble, if anyone was wondering—" then resumed his conversation at normal volume, "—and strange forests, that may or may not themselves be magic, and now a super powered, maybe magical, maybe mutie, maybe both Princess." He then slipped her mailbag back over her head and adjusted it against her barrel so that it would not interfere with her wings while in flight. She blushed at the close contact, looked down and fidgeted cutely with one hoof. One eye wandered to the side.

"T-That sounds about right." she said bashfully. She looked back up at him and continued, "Um, I've gotta get back to delivering this mail, but maybe later—" Suddenly she was interrupted by an angry stallion approaching from the direction of the no longer sorted pile of planks.

"Celestia's mane, Ditzy, do you know how long it's going to take to sort this mess? We have a timetable to keep to if we want to get these ponies back in their houses before we bring in winter!" the new pegasus stallion yelled at her as he approached them.

"It's Derpy…" she said quietly. Her ears were pinned back and she stared at the ground between her hooves. The forepony was chewing on a toothpick and had stubble on his muzzle. His coat was brown and his mane and tail were a dirty, pale blonde. His cutie mark was a box. He flared his wings in anger as he approached, clearly intent on giving a tongue lashing.

"And not the fun kind," Wade muttered to himself. He quickly covered the distance between them with athletic flips and landed immediately before the oncoming stallion. This time he remembered his tail and did not trip. He flared his wings out, which pulled the cloak back from his body. He shifted his head so that his face was exposed. His expression was terrifyingly manic. Somehow, he projected the same aura and threat of death as a timberwolf while maintaining a party pony's cheerful smile. "Don'tcha know, it's rude to interrupt? The lady and I was havin' a conversation, chump," he said. The forepony froze at the sight of him and dropped the toothpick from his mouth in shock.

This whole exchange was also visible to the milling work crew. It was most unfortunate that the flower sisters were volunteering in this particular crew. These three earth pony mares had weak constitutions and were easily panicked. When they saw Wade under the light of Celestia's sun, they screamed. A pale raspberry coated earth pony with a blonde mane and three lilies for her cutie mark raised a hoof to her forehead and fainted.

"Zompony! Run for your lives!" shouted a mare with a yellow coat and multi-hued raspberry mane and a raspberry colored rose for a cutie mark. She then proceeded to run blindly away. In her panic she accidentally kicked another work pony, causing him to groan lowly. The third sister did not see this, and leapt away in fear from the now moaning and wobbling crew member.

"Zompony invasion! Run for the hills!" She ran away and continued to scream through the town as she did so.

Ponies are herd animals, even more social than humans. Native Ponyvillians would be used to the three flower sisters' fearful antics and most likely ignore them. The sisters were known for being somewhat dramatic and overblowing things. However, many ponies from all over Equestria had come to help rebuild Ponyville and the three sisters were the only native members of the crew. The rest of the work crew looked to their forepony, he was currently cowering in terror before a horrifically scarred and disfigured pegasus pony with eyes that had no pupils. Ponies also have a much keener sense of smell than humans. The work ponies were downwind and could smell the dried blood that still clung to Wade's hastily cleaned coat.

Collectively they screamed in terror and stampeded away. This broke the forepony out of his stupor. He looked around and saw he was left all alone. He screamed in fear and bolted away, knocking the disordered plank pile clean to the ground.

"Well, that was just rude!" Wade said to the fleeing ponies. "Is everyone, sorry I mean, everypony," he made air quotes with his wings around the word 'pony,' "going to stampede when they see me? I was hitting it off so well with that cute mail lady, too. Hmph," he said to himself. In the light of the sun it was clear that his original coat color had been a handsome silver. It was obvious under the sunlight that there was something wrong with his skin besides the terrible scars. The poor lighting of the Everfree and fur had obscured the malignant tumors from immediate notice. His entire expanse of exposed skin was covered in a terrible combination of disgusting growths and brutal scars. Except his wings. They were still shiny with health and tumor free. His golden yellow tail was also in excellent condition. It was tangled from the forest underbrush, but otherwise shiny and healthy. Anypony could see that his body was in peak physical health underneath his ruined skin.

He came out of his threatening stance, dropped down on all fours. His wings drooped and he lowered his ears. "Ah, well, I don't know why we thought something different would happen here," he muttered to himself. He shifted the cloak so that it was once again covering his body, then straightened his posture and raised a hoof to his chest. "They just can't handle my [i]muy[/i] sexy bod!" he said loudly as he proceeded to flex and pose in what he clearly thought was a sexy manner. The mailmare, Derpy, giggled at his posturing and walked up to him.

"Thanks for standing up for me, mister. Crafty Crate is always so cranky," she said with cheer. Then she looked at him sympathetically and said, "I'm sorry everypony ran away when they saw you. Lily, Rose and Daisy are big scaredy fillies, one time Lily even fainted from a bunny stampede," she said consolingly as the patted his back. He huffed and pulled away.

"Thanks for the thought, sweet cheeks, but at least they didn't vomit. Silver linings and all that," he said, seemingly uncaring about what had just happened. "Besides, that guy was being a jerk, he didn't even see anything. I woulda done him for free," he said flippantly. Then he looked thoughtful and then lecherous as he said, "Well maybe for a kiss, heehee," he said as he winked at Derpy and giggled. She blushed at his shameless flirting and then looked confused as she mouthed 'done him' to herself. She didn't have much time to think on it though as Wade bounced acrobatically around to face her and bowed strangely on his hind legs. "Wade Wilson, at your service!" He pronked back into place beside her and draped a foreleg around her shoulders companionably. "So, where to next, Derpster?" he asked cheerfully.

"I really need to finish delivering everypony's mail, and checking their mailboxes. I don't want anypony to get worried about their families because a letter was late or lost!" she said seriously. A fire burned in her heart as she gazed up into the sky. She clenched her hoof to her chest and said, "Through rain, and sleet, and titanic, reality destroying battles, the Ponyville mail will be on time!" Wade imagined that he saw flames of passion burning in her eyes as she spoke.

"Uh, OK. Kinda serious about the mail here, huh? That's cool, I can dig it. Allons-y and all that jazz," he said as they took off into the air. "I kinda feel like I'm forgetting something, though…" he muttered to himself as he flew alongside the mailmare. His long golden tail streamed out behind him as he did a barrel roll next to, then around Derpy. Her cheerful yellow eyes crossed and then wandered out of alignment as she tried to keep track of him.

"Eh, it's probably nothing," he said as they flew into the distance.


	3. Chapter the Third

Author's Note: The humor gets a little bit more vulgar in this chapter. And the ending is a tad less fun than I wanted, sorry about that. Next chapter should be… something… at least.

I had neat formatting for the text boxes in my GoogleDoc but it doesn't translate. Yellow is **bold text** and Courier Font/White is **_italic and bold text_** .

* * *

In which Our Hero finally has a muffin

Derpy had turned out to be a slightly worse flier than Wade. He had been hoping to discreetly observe her during their mail deliveries for clues on how pegasi were actually supposed to fly. He wasn't terribly disappointed though once he realized this. She was good company, and she even laughed at his terrible jokes. Not jokes about terrible things, just jokes that were terrible. He could control what came out of his mouth. Sometimes. Occasionally. Not very well, actually.

She also not once tried to kill him in order to shut him up. He was pretty sure that was a record. He might have been forgetting about someone though, his memory was fairly terrible.

Despite her natural clumsiness, Derpy was actually very accurate with her deliveries. Accurate in getting the right mail to the right pony at least. She did have an unfortunate habit of accidentally knocking over mailboxes. Despite this, she not once damaged a package in delivery.

Wade had discovered that he could read Equish as easily as he could read ancient Chinese script and so had helped Derpy deliver some letters. Despite the newness of his wings, he was faster in the air than Derpy. Though one couldn't tell from the incidental property damage that he left behind that he was actually more accurate at getting the letters in the boxes and slots.

"It looks like we only have one package left to deliver," Derpy said with good cheer as she looked into her mailbag. She landed and proceeded to pull out a sturdy shipping crate larger than she was.

"Wat," said Wade as he observed this. He blinked rapidly and shook his head. "Ok, so. That was a thing that may or may not have been a hallucination." He landed nearby, the borrowed cloak flowing in the wind of his landing. His ear cocked as if listening to someone else speak, "Well, I guess it is a little bit like that, but I'm not a nerd," he said with an air of superiority. He then looked annoyed and said, "That doesn't count. I thought it was the other kind." He looked annoyed and laid his ears back, "Shaddup!" He flicked his tail as if swatting at a fly near his head and looked smug. "Hah hah! Didn't think I could do that, didja?" he said to the air near his head. Then he looked at the enormous package and sniffed it cautiously. It smelled of gun oil and metal. He wasn't sure if his pony nose was more sensitive than a normal pony, or if his mixed up powers had temporarily affected his sense of smell, but right now this sense was better than his human sense. Very faintly he picked up the scent of a high quality gun powder as well. It was one of the smells he was quite intimate with.

"Where is this one going to, huh?" Wade asked as he flew above the crate, looking for mailing labels. The crate was a rectangular wooden box that was two pony heights long and one pony height tall. It had three sets of grips near the top for a pegasus team to airlift it with. In Equish the word "Apogee" and a logo of a projectile exploding in confetti was stenciled in blue on the long sides. "Well, at least there isn't any copyright infringement. I mean, anymore than there already is with a crossover, at least." Wade said to himself. Derpy's eye wandered a bit north as she looked at him in confusion.

"A crossover... like a managed jetstream spur?" Derpy asked. Wade shook his head and hummed thoughtfully. He seemed to accept the fact that jetstreams were at least as orderly as freeways from back home at face value. The crate that he was examining had the phrase "This End Up" and an arrow pointing toward the sky stenciled on each of its sides. The phrase "Danger: Handle with Extreme Care" was stenciled in bright red letters once on the small sides and twice on the long sides.

"Oh, this is Pinkie Pie's. She is going to be so excited that it finally came in. She's been asking about this all month," Derpy said. She looked quite relieved for a moment, then realized that she had a potential problem. "Uh, I think we're going to have to carry it all the way to Sugarcube Corner though," she looked down and scuffed a hoof against the ground. "I kind of can't get it back in the bag."

"Huh, that's unfortunate," Wade said as he landed gently on top of the crate. Over the course of their mail deliveries that day he had gotten quite adept at gripping various items with his hooves. He grabbed the edges of the crate and tested its weight by rocking it back and forth with a rather surprising amount of care. It was heavy, very heavy. Infact it was too heavy for a single pegasus to air lift. "It isn't the heaviest thing I've ever lifted before," he said out loud, mostly to himself it seemed. He gently landed on the crate and stretched his wings. He gazed at his wings as he stretched them.

"Well, these wings really shouldn't be capable of maintaining my flight anyways, so why not?" he said as he gripped the crate firmly at the center set of grips.

"It's OK Wade, this is really too heavy for two pegasi to airlift safely. I'll just go get Bulk Biceps to help us out," Derpy said, then stepped back in surprise as Wade successfully lifted the crate up above roof level.

"I got this, sunshine, you lead the way to this Pinkie Pie person so he and/or she can get his and/or her totally-not-a-suspicious-package package today," he said. He was not nearly as breathless as he should be for carrying something so heavy, but Derpy did live in Ponyville and had seen stranger things just in the past week. She shrugged philosophically and proceeded to lead the way to Sugarcube Corner.

"Sunshine is a real name in Equestria, not a nickname," she said from her position slightly above him. They were not flying nearly so fast that they had to shout over the wind, and Wade had discovered that pegasus wings were surprisingly quiet during flight. Derpy had managed to pick up from Wade's constant chatter that he was from a place so far away that he had never even heard of Equestria before.

"No joke? That is a really silly name. I dunno how long I can handle this place before I go insane. More insane, I mean." He snapped his tail near his head again and muttered, "You would." Derpy cocked her ears in his direction, in a pony's way of saying "come again" without actually speaking. Wade did notice, and had already figured out what it meant earlier today. "Oh, nothing, goldie, what are we looking for, anyways?" The sun was behind them as they flew towards the edge of town.

"Oh, you can't miss it. It's the only house that looks extra delicious!" she said brightly. Wade eyed the thatch roofs below with disbelief that they could be considered "delicious". Then he spied a 1:1 scale gingerbread house up ahead.

"That does look pretty tasty," Wade said. "Do they use magic to keep the wildlife from noshing it?" he asked. Derpy giggled at his question.

"It isn't really candy, silly. It just looks like it," she said in response.

"You never can tell with wizards and witches running about all willy-nilly up in here," he said in his defense.

They had reached Sugarcube Corner. Derpy pulled out a clipboard with an attached pen while Wade carefully placed the crate on the ground out front. Then immediately leaped over the nearest patio table and landed on the next table behind it. The dishes on the table wobbled. The ponies that had previously been enjoying their snacks stared up at this strange, cloaked pony in surprise. They did not have much time to contemplate this new development though, as Wade quickly and acrobatically leapt and twirled around the patio, off the walls, and somehow off of the underside of some overhangs. All without using his wings to fly, only for balance. The cloak fluttered around, making his body mostly visible as he bounced about. Some of the ponies on the patio were spooked and galloped away, towards the large, gleaming, crystal palace near the south edge of town. They left their food and drinks behind. "Score, free food!" said Wade as he landed on a chair, in what would have been a one handed hand stand position in a human body. He noisily ate the leftovers and slurped up the abandoned drinks. The remaining ponies kept an eye on him as they resumed their business and-or pleasure out on the patio.

Derpy had taken the clipboard inside, presumably to get the signature of the package owner and so missed the excitement. Wade pushed off from the chair and twirled about, sticking a solid landing on his hind hooves in between the door and the crate.

The door opened to a pink blur that bowled over the posing Wade and resolved itself into a bright pink pony with a cotton candy mane and three balloons for a cutie mark. She hugged the crate and stroked it.

"Finally. You're here, my precious. We will make the most awesome-est, bestest, super duper exciting parties, you and I," she whispered to the crate. Then she pronked on top of it and managed to open it by landing on it. It opened in such a way that the sides fell over and the packing straw blew out to reveal a fully assembled party autocannon. It was bright blue, trimmed in yellow, and had "Pinkie's Party Piece" painted in pink near the mouth of the barrel. There were also colorfully decorated shells lined up in a rectangle surrounding the autocannon. There were shells decorated with confetti, shells decorated with streamers, shells decorated with balloons, and even shells decorated with party favors.

Wade picked himself back up and gazed at the autocannon in appreciation. The pink pony, presumably Pinkie Pie, was now picking up shells seemingly at random and examining them with excitement. Wade paced around the autocannon and looked at it critically.

"Yeah, I wouldn't have thought these ponies could build something like this, either," he said to himself. From Wade's experienced eye he could tell that it was for all intents and purposes a nearly modern automatic cannon. Not as modern as Stark tech, but those were harder and harder to come by since Iron Man had come about and given Stark a conscience. "Pfft, who needs one of those, anyways. They just get in the way of all the fun!" Wade declared. Though it was not obvious from the complete lack of transition, he was no longer talking about the gun.

"You can have lots of fun with a conscience!" Pinkie Pie said in response, though she still had yet to look away from her new toys. Wade giggled immaturely. Pinkie looked up and saw him. She bounced up into the air and somehow managed to hover in excitement without wings. "Omigosh! I haven't met you before! Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your favorite color? And your favorite food? Do you like cake? Of course you like cake, everypony likes cake, unless you don't like cake. Oh no! How can we have a party without cake? Don't worry I'll think of something!" Pinkie Pie said. She spoke very rapidly, such that it was hard to determine where one word ended and the next began. Wade didn't have any trouble following along though. Pinkie floated back to the ground and then pulled a hat labeled "thinking cap" out of her mane and put it on. She rubbed her chin and gazed thoughtfully into the distance.

"I don't think I've met you before, either. At least I don't remember you. I'm Wade Wilson, everybody's favorite merc with a mouth, Deadpool," Wade said. "Red is my favorite color. I do like cake, except lie-cake, that is such a disappointment. But then you get to blow up robots, which is pretty cool I guess. Almost makes up for the lack of cake," he paused a moment. "Oh, yeah, I'm a Gemini and I enjoy long walks on the beach under the moonlight."

Derpy had come out of the cafe with a bag that smelled of bananas, nuts, and bread. She looked at the autocannon with some concern. Then said, around a mouthful of paper bag, "Pw'ncess 'Una w'll ee haffy ooo ear haff." Wade blinked at her but Pinkie Pie nodded in agreement.

"Yeah! That would make her really happy to know someone enjoys her moonlight!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "You should be sure to tell her when you meet her."

"Who says I'm meeting this Luna person, anyways," Wade said huffily. Pinkie Pie leaned in near Wade's ear and gestured upwards with her hoof.

"You know who," she whispered with great seriousness. Wade flicked his tail and fluttered his wings in annoyance.

"Harumph," he harumphed.

"Foreshadowing!" Pinkie exclaimed and threw her hooves out dramatically. Then she dropped back to all fours and jumped back onto the topic of parties with no transition. "Well I'm glad we're having cake, things were looking pretty bleak there for a bit!" She bounced lightly in place, as if she couldn't stay still. She then looked at the air above Wade's head.

"Yeah, I'm a bit curious about that myself," Wade said.

"We're having a party!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. She looked in the air again, Wade nodded, and opened his mouth to speak. Pinkie said pre-emptively, "A welcome to Ponyville party, of course! What kind of party pony would I be if I didn't throw parties? Not a very good one, you know!" She looked at the lack of anything in the air above his head again and said, "Oh, sure. We can have chimichangas! I like chimichangas, too! Do you like cherries? I made a cherrychanga once, it was really tasty. Cherries, and cream, and tortilla, all deep fried and covered in powdered sugar. Maybe it was really a chimicherry. I still can't decide, but whatever it was it was goooood!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. She looked in the air on the other side of Wade's head and said, "What do you mean? Of course I can see you silly, you're right there!"

Wade raised a hoof as to call attention back to himself, "Uh, actually no one else can see Yellow and Courier Font except me. I mean, maybe Jean Luc could, or I guess Priscilla, if I had had them during that run, but usually no one else notices them," he said. "Except the reader, of course," he added. Derpy looked confused at the mention of a reader.

Pinkie nodded as if it were a completely normal thing to say. "Of course," she agreed.

"Wha' weader?" Derpy asked around the mouthful of paper bag that she still had. Pinkie and Wade waved their hooves dismissively.

"Don't worry about it," they both said simultaneously. Then they pointed at each other and said, "Jinx!" They giggled foalishly.

"Well, that must be really confusing. Nopony can see who you're talking to," Pinkie said as she examined the air above his head.

"Yeah, well, they just think I'm crazier than I actually am. It can come in handy, being underestimated," Wade shrugged his wings. "Though between you and me I think someone is just being lazy." Pinkie Pie reached a hoof up and poked the air above Wade's head. He shied back in surprise. "Hey, that tickled!" Pinkie grabbed at the air and started pulling. Wade reared back, but seemed to be stuck in place. "Hee hee, that feels—" he giggled and snorted and then fell over in an awkward heap as a yellow box filled with English words popped loudly into existence between Pinkie Pie's hooves.

**[-ch! Bad touch! Oh... hey there... That's much better, actually. I feel so.. wide...]** Wade snickered. The yellow box scrolled above his head in a long string of text. **[Haha. Take that stupid panel borders! Not so high and mighty now, huh?]**

Derpy reared back and flared her wings in surprise. She stared in confusion at the English words in the box floating above Wade's head. Pinkie Pie did not seem to have any problems reading the words and nodded in agreement.

"Panels are so confining! Animation is the best! Text is nice but it's so hard to do a good sight gag without pictures," Pinkie complained to the yellow text box. Pinkie looked at the air on the opposite side of Wade's head. "Oh, sorry. Let me get that for you!" Pinkie reached into the air and grabbed and pulled.

"Oh man that feels so weird, all strange and tingly," Wade said as he stood back up and shook out his head and wings. He danced in place, "Like getting feeling back in a severed limb, ugh." There was an obnoxious poit sound and a white text box with English text appeared.

_**[Oooh, that is very freeing. Watch me flow, flow, flow on forever!]**_ The white text box made an effort to stretch it's text as far as the eye could see, however it seemed that it's range of effect was limited by proximity to Wade and it stopped abruptly about two pony lengths away. _**[Aww, artificial borders? LAME!]**_

"I better get to work on baking if we're going to have a party!" Pinkie declared. She pulled out a brightly colored ammo box and scooped all of the shells into it in one go, then lifted the party autocannon up and put both the ammo box and cannon in her mane. "Don't forget to check your journal when you get stuck!" she exclaimed as she pronked back inside Sugarcube Corner.

Derpy was unphased by Pinkie Pie's shenanigans and instead was trying to poke the white text box. It was floating away and around and about in an effort to avoid her curious hooves.

**[Ooooh, looks like you've got yourself a "friend" there, wink wink nudge nudge know what I'm sayin.]**

_**[Argh, stop it lady, that is really annoying. Hey! Come on now, stahp. Stahp. Halp.]** _Wade watched in amusement as Derpy inadvertently tormented his white box. She had flown up above it and was now successfully poking it. She bounced on it, then set her paper bag down on top of it.

**[Hehe, lucky bastard.]**

"You have no shame, Yellow," Wade snickered and tried to look like a completely respectable pony.

_**[You're both shameless, and stop pretending you aren't a pervert, it makes us look even worse.]**_

"Well, it is almost like a cloud, but firmer. Were these the ponies you've been talking to this whole time? Does this have something to do with your cutie mark? What language are they writing in? It doesn't look like Tauran or Griff," Derpy said. She picked up her bag and flew over to an unoccupied table. "I got you a muffin. Thanks for helping me with the mail today!" Derpy said cheerfully.

**[Score! I love free food!]**

_**[Hmph. I guess this makes up for being poked. I'm still mad about being used as a table though. This better be some muffin.]**_

"Aw, thanks honeybun! We all love free food," Wade said as he flipped over to the table, landing in the chair directly from his acrobatic flip. He sat upright, like a human. The boxes moved along with him, staying above his head. Derpy blushed and pulled out two very large muffins from the bag. Wade idly wondered if all containers here were somewhat magical, as there really was no way these muffins should have fit in there. They were each the size of a foal's head.

"I got zucchini-carrot-oat-raisin. It's really good!" she said. She was clearly happy to be sharing one of her favorite 's face froze in a forced smile.

**[That sounds so gross. I bet it's healthy, too. Ugh.]**

_**[If you say that you're going to make her cry. Look how happy she is. That'd be like kicking a puppy.]**_

**[You say that like we haven't kicked puppies before.]**

_**[Shhhhh. The reader might not know! You're ruining their potential good opinion of us.]**_

"You guys are doing that all on your own," Wade said. He steeled himself and took a giant bite of the muffin. He chewed noisily and made a happy sound.

_**[Well, that is some muffin! Aren't you glad we tried it, now?]**_

**[Ugh. I guess. I mean, it isn't super greasy Mexican food but it'll do.]**

Wade suddenly stopped chewing and swallowed the large bite in one big gulp.

"Guys. I just had the worst thought! What if there's no Mexican food in Equestria!"

**[Duhn. Duhn. DUHN!]**

**_[*sigh* Were you even paying attention back there. That pink party pony pontificated on chimichangas combined with cherries; chimicherrychangas, if you will. God(s) guys, pay attention!_]**

"I was totally paying attention," Wade said in an attempt to defend himself.

**[Heheh yeah, if you were paying attention to what I was paying attention to then you weren't really paying attention back there.]**

Derpy was not really trying to keep up with the conversation, as she couldn't read the text in either text box. She was taking slightly more reasonable bites from her muffin and chewing politely as she waited for answers to her questions. Wade finished the rest of the muffin in another giant bite and belched loudly.

"That was good, thanks Derpy," Wade said sincerely. He picked at his teeth with his tongue, "They're still in English, it looks like. They aren't good conversationalists anyways, you aren't missing much. Trust me." Wade added, having apparently just remembered her questions. The ponies still out on the patio had taken the strangeness all in stride. "What do you mean cutie mark? Is that what this weird butt tattoo is called?" he asked her. He wiggled his flank under the cloak for emphasis. The other ponies on the patio stared at him in shock. Derpy was equally surprised.

"Were there just no ponies at all, where you were? Nearly everypony gets a cutie mark! It tells you about your destiny," Derpy said. Wade hummed thoughtfully and tapped out a rhythm on his flank.

"Well, nothing really enlightening about my butt blemish then. I already knew I was destined for Death," Wade said philosophically. Derpy looked sadly at her muffin as Wade said this.

_**[Maybe it means we're good at killing?]**_

**[We are the best at killing, this is true. Just ask Deadpool-616!]**

"It didn't help him get a job any, though. Not after that fluster cluck with the things and the stuff," Wade said in irritation.

**[I hear the Deadpool &amp; Cable Omnibus just came out. You can read all about it in there!]**

"It is a pretty sweet collection. Also. Top billing. Bro-fist," Wade said and raised a hoof.

**[Bro-fist!]**

_**[Bro-hoof?]**_

The boxes replied and then bounced off of his outstretched hoof.

"Don't say such things, Wade, everypony dies, it's true, but- well OK I don't think the Princesses die, actually, but nearly everypony dies and even if your cutie mark is about death then it doesn't mean you're destined to die!" Derpy was getting worked up at what she clearly saw as something terrible. Wade waved a hoof lackadaisically.

"Eh, it's no biggie. I've got a bitchin' healing factor. I can't actually stay dead. I always come back," he seemed accepting and calm about his immortality. But then his voice dropped and he said lowly. "Every. Single. Time. I come back." He stood up and stretched, cracking and popping his joints with what appeared to be deliberate loudness. "Whatever, I think I have a mission or something." He pulled his journal out and looked at his notes. "Oh yeah, find the Princess!"

Derpy leapt at him with earnest emotion in her eyes and hugged him. He twitched in surprise and made a visible effort to stand still.

**[Waugh! Personal space blondie!]**

_**[Jebus, fillie, you got a deathwish or something? Don't surprise assassins!]**_

**[Yeah, you're lucky today is a good day!]**

Derpy was oblivious to how close she had come to any sort of peril.

"Oh Wade, that is just so awful, I'm so sorry! No one deserves such pain! You're right, we should go to Princess Twilight Sparkle. I'm sure she'll know what to do, she knows everything!" Derpy sniffled, gave him a squeeze and looked up at his face with hope.

Wade's face lost all expression and he stepped back.

**[Oh honey. You've got no idea. This asshole deserves every bit of it.]**

_**[If anyone deserves this shit, it sure is you.]**_

"You don't know me, lady. I'm a monster." Wade said quietly. Derpy looked at him sadly.

"Princess Twilight Sparkle will help, you'll see!" she said earnestly. Wade was uncharacteristically silent as they made their way towards the castle. The boxes shrunk down to barely visible dots as they whispered in Wade's ears.

_**[Freak.]**_

**[Monster.]**

_**[Tell her you kill people. Go on.]**_

**[See how much she'll think you're worth then, asshole.]**

The colossal crystal castle made from the power of friendship gleamed in the distance.


	4. Chapter the Fourth

Author's Note: Vulgar, uncouth, puerile jokes ensue, and a truly appalling amount of gore. (Gore has been edited for FF's rules. Unedited story can be found on AO3 or fimfiction under the pen name CloverQuill.)  
And no, don't ask me what they were doing with the tea my brain quails at the very thought of trying to describe whatever it was.

Reminder Yellow is **bold text** and Courier Font/White is **_italic and bold text_**. _Plain italics_ are a regular pony's thoughts.

* * *

Chapter the Fourth

In which Our Hero really should learn to shut up

Wade thought that the sun was still strangely high in the sky for a day nearing its end. Derpy was walking with him through a loose herd of ponies that were gathered in front of the sparkling Friendship Castle. Many of the ponies were clearly tourists. Many were posing happily in front of entrepreneurial artists of varying quality. Some had even brought cameras and had helpful Solar and Lunar guards taking their pictures. The other ponies that were clearly not tourists were milling about in nervous confusion and appeared to be waiting for some proclamation from the Princess.

_**[How do we know what Solar and Lunar guards are?]**_

**[Obviously we must be bronies. Or this author is a hack.]**

"Or maybe we skipped ahead a few chapters and read about them there, huh?" Wade said.

**[I still say this is a hack job.]** The yellow text box somehow managed to grumble in discontent without actually speaking.

Wade had resumed his cheerful demeanor on the walk to the castle. Derpy still glanced at him with worry, or possibly her lazy eye just kept wandering in his direction. Either way Wade was staunchly ignoring it and doing his best to distract her from his earlier gloomy outburst. As it turned out ponies were much easier to distract than people. He was telling Derpy highly edited and extremely inaccurate versions of some Deadpool's various escapades. His text boxes were "helping" to correct him, even though nopony else could read them.

"—and then Iron Man gave me one of his sweet jets and I totally got the thingy back from that not at all amazing and totally a jerk Spider-Man. He was all ka-pow, swish, morals and I was all slice, and punch and awesome," Wade said.

_**[I'm pretty sure "morals" and "awesome" aren't sound effects.]**_

**[I think the artists have drawn punch and slice though. The lazy bastards.]**

Wade continued on as if he hadn't heard or read his text boxes, "—and Fury totally gave me a commendation and everything. For being such a swell guy and super great, super hero," Wade finished up his story as they reached the castle ramparts.

**[Dude, I'm pretty sure that was Deadpool-TRN123.]**

_**[I definitely don't remember any of this happening to US. That's for sure.]**_

Wade flicked his ears in annoyance.

_**[You got it all wrong, too. As usual.]**_

"Who asked you?" Wade said.

**[Yeah, didn't that Deadpool get kicked out of S.H.I.E.L.D. for being too badass for those goodie goodie losers?]**

"I dunno, I didn't pay attention. There wasn't enough blood," Wade said, "Anyways, it looks like we're here. Thanks for the escort and everything, sweetcheeks," Wade waggled his eyebrows suggestively. The effect was mostly lost behind the hood.

**[We really need to learn how to sew with these stupid hooves.]**

_**[It really is much easier to emote in a spandex mask. Surprisingly.]**_

"—but I think we can handle it from here," he said to Derpy. She frowned up at him and stayed by his side as they passed through the portcullis.

**[Why the heck does a friendship castle have a portcullis and murder holes?]**

_**[Have they weaponized hugs here? I wonder if we should be worried.]**_

"It isn't like it matters either way. Not for us," Wade said to his boxes. Then he looked at Derpy again and said, "Well, I guess it is a free country and all that. If you want to stay I won't stop you." They were now climbing a grand glittering staircase up from the courtyard. Solar and Lunar guards were flying back and forth from the windows of the throne room to the barracks with urgency. Derpy instinctively moved closer to Wade's larger body. She fluttered her wings anxiously at the tension in the air.

_**[We think it's a free country, anyways.]**_

**[Yeah, for all we know this could be The Ponies Republic of Equestria or something.]**

"Oh, you mean like all 1984 style with the names being all messed up?" Wade looked thoughtfully at his yellow text box. Derpy looked between them in confusion. They had reached the top of the sparkling crystal stairs.

"Nineteen-eighty-four messed up names, how, exactly?" she asked him. Wade waved a hoof.

"It's a book about the government taking everything over and being all creeptastic. They name the Ministry of War the Ministry of Peace, and junk like that. Don't worry about it," he said dismissively. Derpy looked concerned and confused at the thought of an untrustworthy government. Her eyes wandered out of alignment as she tried to piece together a story from the extremely abridged summary that Wade had given her. She did not have much time to ruminate on this though as they had reached the crystalline narthex that lay before the open throne room doors. The tension in the herd here was very nearly corporeal it was so thick.

"Woah, uh. Hi," Wade said as Derpy fell back a step and pressed against his flank. His wing involuntarily wrapped around her barrel as pony instincts seemed to kick in.

**[These ponies really don't handle stress that well.]**

_**[Uh, yeah. Didn't you read the last chapter? They are herd animals and panic easily.]**_

"That isn't heavy handed foreshadowing at all," Wade muttered. Derpy did not notice and was looking around at the just barely not-a-mob that was milling about. From what they could see of the throne room it was not nearly as large as the Solar or Lunar Courtrooms in the Canterlot Palace.

_**[Again with the irregular perspective shifting.]**_

**[Jeeze, make up your mind, lady. Is this narration limited or is it omniscient?]**

The ponies near Wade noticed his textboxes and made space around him. They stared at the floating boxes in apprehension.

_**[This is obvious harassment. I protest.]**_

**[Clearly this is unfair retaliation to exposing the truth!]**

"Guys, guys, this isn't helping anything and is just obvious padding to the story length. Stop encouraging it," Wade said to the boxes.

**_[Haru_mph.]** They harumphed pettily.

**[Mutter, mutter.]**

_**[Mutter.]**_

They muttered unintelligibly. Their boxes shrunk down with their decreased "volume" and therefore became harder to see. They were not apparently harder for Wade to hear though. His ears flicked in annoyance as they muttered near the back of his head.

The crowd of ponies had, intentionally or not, opened a path leading directly to the throne room doors. Wade and Derpy approached.

Standing in front of the raised dais that held the Thrones of Harmony and Friendship was a lavender pony with both wings and a horn. She was levitating no fewer than six lists with accompanying quills and ink wells. She appeared to be writing something on each scroll without looking, and was speaking seriously to two guard ponies in armor more ornate than the other guards that they had passed. She bore a magenta star surrounded by smaller, white stars as her cutie mark. A small purple and green wingless dragon stood by her side, writing furiously on an extremely long scroll that was already halfway used up.

Wade approached with Derpy in tow. The lavender alicorn looked up. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"That's Zecora's cloak, I'm sure of it! How did you get that, stranger?" she said. Her magic field grabbed the cloak and pulled it up and off. Wade's scarred and much abused body was revealed. His pupiless eyes stared at this strange new mish-mash pony.

Derpy's eyes were crossed as she gazed about the throne room. Wade's wing that was still draped across her barrel instinctively pulled her closer when he startled at the sudden use of magic. Derpy wobbled slightly off balance from his strength.

The ponies that were milling about the narthex watched the proceedings with interest. Unfortunately the flower sisters were waiting in the crowd for a proclamation from the Princess about the zompony invasion that they had dutifully reported after their panicked stampeding had ended.

"There he is! The zompony!" shouted Lily as she pointed at Wade. The crowd whinnied in fear at this declaration.

**[Uh-oh.]**

"The zompony captured that poor confused mail mare!" Daisy cried out in alarm. A dark grey pegasus stallion with pale blue hair gasped in horror and fainted.

_**[This is not good.]**_

"By the moon and stars, the zomponies are attacking Princess Twilight!" screamed Roseluck. The ponies devolved into a disorganized, terrified mob that stampeded out the castle. The two officers with Princess Twilight Sparkle leapt to her defence and charged. Armored pegasus and bat-pony stallions flew through the windows, they held their spears at the ready as they flew towards the apparent zompony threat.

"Ah, fuck. This is gonna hurt," said Wade as he shoved Derpy underneath him and launched into the air. His downstroke knocked the charging guard officers into each other, putting them out of commision temporarily.

The lavender alicorn began charging a spell as soon as she saw Wade's pupiless eyes. The corona around her horn flared as she gathered power.

_**[I really hate our artists sometimes.]**_

**[I really hate our face sometimes.]**

"I really hate both of you sometimes. Wiff-graze-thwok-splortch-gurgle," said Wade.

_**[You're speaking your sound effects again.]**_

**[Weirdo.]**

The aerial guards had launched a perfect volley of spears directly at Wade. Despite his extremely inexperienced flying, he had managed to dodge some of them. At least partially dodge some of them. Okay really it was just one of the spears that he dodged successfully. His wings were still pristine and undamaged though, so there was that. One spear flew just below his jaw, another took off an ear as it passed just above his skull. Blood gushed from the head wound. The scrap of ear began to float to the ground.

The remainder of the spears had hit their marks. Two spears had pierced his lungs and heart and come out on the other side of his barrel. Frothy blood bubbled out of Wade's nose with each breath that he took. The text boxes were hanging cowardly and uselessly below Wade. Out of the way of the fight.

**[I will have you know we are not being useless.]**

_**[Yeah, we're protecting that adorable little pegasus from falling sharp and pointy things.]**_

**[Just because we like red doesn't mean we want to see HER blood everywhere.]**

Two final spears, both thrown from opposite sides, had pierced halfway through his neck and crossed through his throat. His sound effect narration perforce was silenced. His throat gurgled disgustingly as he still continued to try and narrate regardless of the damage.

He was still hovering, gushing a completely ridiculous amount of blood from his wounds and pierced by four spears. The little dragon standing behind Princess Twilight quickly tore off a scrap of paper and scribbled a short message on it before lighting it on fire.

The text boxes did not protect Derpy from Wade's blood. They were useless.

_**[I'm telling the union about you, author.]**_

**[We are being oppressed! Look at the violence inherent in the system.]**

Wade clearly tried to say, "Really? A Monty Python reference? Like that's not overdone and cliche." However it came out more as "Relch, gurgle, splug," and various other disgusting noises throats make when they are cut open and bleeding violently but still trying to move air through the larynx.

The spell finished charging and Princess Twilight Sparkle cast it true. The scrolls, quills and inkwells didn't even wobble. The anti-zompony spell struck Wade and his entire nervous system was suddenly and painfully ablated all at once.

**[Ouch.]**

Wade's body spasmed and dropped like a marionette with the strings cut.

_**[Watch out little pony, I'll save you!]**_

His body bounced off of the white courier font text box with a wet, bone cracking noise that sounded something like "spla-krkt." The force of the landing on the text box knocked the spears from the body. The two guard officers struggling to disentangle themselves from each other froze in shock as they were hit in the face with hot pony innards. Wade's body bounced off of the not quite cloud like texture of the text box and landed in front of Princess Twilight Sparkle. All four of Wade's legs were clearly broken and splayed out at unnatural angles. His wings were still completely intact, and miraculously clean. Or they had been before his body had landed. The feathers were slowly wicking blood up their shafts. His once golden, flowing tail was now a matted disgusting mess.

Princess Twilight Sparkle stared in shock at the dead pony before her. Fresh blood flowed from his wounds. This was clearly not the defeated husk of a zompony. The now gore covered alicorn looked to Derpy. The blood covered Derpy stared back at the Princess of Friendship in horror.

Wade's tattered ear fell almost daintily onto Princess Twilight's snout. Her pupils shrank. A vein in her forehead twitched. Her mane frizzed. She screamed.

Loudly.

—-

Deadpool's consciousness woke up in the fields of Elysium. He was, not surprisingly, quite adept at manipulating the aether of Death's realm. His body was not the strange new pony body he had woken up in, earlier that very same day. It was his human body that he most identified with. His mask was on. His katanas were strapped to his back, and his Desert Eagles holstered on his belt with logo belt buckle that may or may not have also been a teleportation device. A fetching black leather choker was about his neck.

"Ugh, that was a new one. I don't think I've ever had my entire nervous system turned from solid to gas all at once before," he said to himself. Death was not yet present. Deadpool mentally conjured a dainty table and tea service that he remembered Death being fond of. The pleasant scent of a perfectly brewed pot of tea filled the area.

"Better hurry," Deadpool muttered to himself as he arranged his mental projection of his body on the soft grass next to the low table.

Death appeared before him.

She was a pony and not in the least bit familiar to Deadpool.

"Well. This is awkward," Deadpool said as he gazed up at the ponification of Death. Her body was a smokey gray through which her skeleton shone as by an undead light. Her skeletal wings were large and bat like. The smokey substance of her body thinned around the bone of her horn such that it glowed brightly through even with no magic flowing in it. Her ghostly blue mane and tail flowed in a breeze that Deadpool could not feel. Her dark eyes glowed ethereally from her eye sockets. She was both comforting darkness and cold, pale death. Her hoof was raised as she began her welcoming speech.

"Be calm, mortal. We are to begin…" She trailed off from her speech as she blinked and gazed around the strange fields in confusion. This was not what the afterlife was supposed to look like. Ponies had not believed in the fields for fallen warriors in an extremely long time. It took a being of great power, or great knowledge, or both, to manipulate the aether so expertly. "—the great…" she tried to continue on gamely as she was once again distracted by the low table and a very fine tea service. Both in the style that she currently most favored. "— journey beyond..." The scent of her most especially favorite tea reached her nose. She finally set her hoof down and deigned to take notice of the soul that she had come to reap.

"I mean, don't get me wrong. You are one sexy, bony pony. But I woulda put on something a bit fancier if I'da known to expect someone new."

Death settled her gaze on the peculiar soul before her. The author had not forgotten to describe anything earlier, except insomuch as to spare the reader's delicate sensibilities. Deadpool was wearing his mask, his weapons, and nothing else.

Deadpool learned that skeletal bat wings do not go "pompf" when they inexplicably snap to attention. He tried to remind himself to ask someone what the hell that wing popping thing was all about whenever he finally regenerated.

—

Princess Twilight Sparkle was currently having a mental breakdown. In her defense this is a common response to encountering Wade Wilson, even when he wasn't being Deadpool. Usually though, his text boxes remained in his skull while he was regenerating from being killed. Earlier that very day some kind pony had helpfully removed them from his brain.

**[Look at what you've done!]**

Derpy was clinging to Wade's corpse and crying. She was making the most piteous keen that a pony was capable of making. It was heart wrenching. She shook his body and sobbed. It was soul crushingly sad.

_**[You killed her friend in front of her!]**_

"I didn't mean it! I'm sorry! I can fix it!" Twilight screamed at the boxes, at Wade's corpse, at Derpy. Only the boxes responded.

**[MURDERER!]**

_**[MONSTER!]**_

"I just need some time! I'm sure I can fix this!" Twilight cried out in desperation. The little dragon was currently hiding in her tail, shivering and rocking back and forth.

**[Yeah, how long before brain damage sets in? Huh Sparky?]**

_**[Fat lot of good your research will do when he's brain dead!]**_

**[Or does he even have a brain, anymore? I thought I felt it just pop away.]**

"I'm so-sorry. I-I never meant... I'm so sorry. So. Sorry," Twilight bowed her head and started crying. The guards were stoically standing at attention, doing their best to fight the urge to panic and run at the combined charnel house stench and complete loss of leadership they were currently experiencing.

Suddenly the light of the noon sun flooded the room, dazzling the eyes of everypony present and causing the exposed crystal to sparkle and glitter most majestically. A pony appeared at the center of the light, winged and horned like Princess Twilight Sparkle. This pony could never be mistaken for Twilight though. She was so large she was almost a horse and her body was covered in golden chainmail and half plate armor. Ancient runes of warding and power were inscribed upon the plate and woven into the mail. Her etherally billowing pastel rainbow mane and tail became visible as the painfully bright light faded from around her form.

"ENOUGH!" bellowed the new pony. Everypony stopped at once. The guards kneeled with obvious relief before the armored mare. Twilight Sparkle and Derpy looked up at her with wet, hopeful eyes. Wade's body continued to be an obvious, oblivious corpse.

**[Oooh. What's this? What's this? There's color everywhere!]**

_****[What's this? What's this? This white thing in the air?]****_

Golden magic flared and slapped the boxes down to the ground next to Wade's head. They bounced away and landed on the ground near Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"I am Princess Celestia, Co-Ruler of Equestria, Daughter of the Sun and Sky, Light of the Day after the Night, born of the aether from the minds of the gods themselves, and I have said enough!" so spaketh Princess Celestia. Praise the Sun! Ahem. Excuse me. Said Princess Celestia sternly to the chastened text boxes.

The yellow box quivered on the ground near Princess Twilight's side.

****[That hurt]** **It whimpered pathetically.

_**[Seriously. No fair.]**_ Whined the white courier font box from where it had landed near the yellow box.

Princess Celestia took in the scene as she floated regally down to the ground. She landed facing Twilight Sparkle and the text boxes. She gazed sadly at Equestria's newest Princess. "My little pony, what terrible event has happened here this day?" she said kindly.

**[Isn't it obvious? She-]** Princess Celestia cast her stern gaze at the yellow text box and it quailed at her fury.

"Please, Twilight, give no weight to the words of these wretched creatures. They are but sad remnants of a troubled mind." Princess Celestia said to Twilight. The text boxes cuddled together at Princess Celestia's words.

_**[That's just cold.] **_Murmured the white box.

**[*Sniff*] **Sniffled the yellow box quietly. Celestia ignored them as she waited for Princess Twilight to explain. Twilight took a steadying breath.

Derpy leapt to her hooves and cried out, "She killed my friend!"

"I didn't mean to! I thought he was a zompony!" Twilight cried out in her defense. Unnoticed in the commotion, Wade's body twitched as his nervous system regrew.

"So he looked different! Is that any reason to kill somepony?" Derpy sobbed out. Twilight shrunk down into herself. Wade's ribs cracked surprisingly quietly back into place, the holes through his barrel began to knit themselves closed.

"Hi-his eyes! They had no pupils, what was I supposed to think?" Twilight tried again to rationalize what had happened. Wade's body had fallen dead with its eyes open, and they were indeed still milky and opaque, lacking in both iris and pupil. The white text box slunk quietly over behind Princess Celestia to be nearer to Wade's body. The yellow text box sulked near Princess Twilight.

"This is indeed a tragic occurrence, but thanks to faithful Spike's quick thinking all hope is not yet lost. Soft, my little ponies, whilst I search for this lost soul," Princess Celestia said gently.

She took a calming breath and braced herself for a difficult search through the aether for Death and quick witted negotiation over a pony soul lost before its time. Her eyes glowed eerily as she cast her soul into the aether, and then almost immediately snapped back. She cast her gaze about the room and flushed pink. Her massive wings fluttered in what was most assuredly not nervousness. She coughed in a not at all awkward way.

"Ahem. Well. Ah." she said regally.

All her little ponies present gazed at her with the faith of young foals in their mother's absolute power and rightness. She shifted her weight between her hooves nervously.

"What great luck," she began again, "His soul still remains in the aether nearby!" Princess Celestia said with forced cheerfulness.

Derpy stomped her hooves loudly with excitement. Princess Twilight collapsed with relief.  
"Huzzah!" shouted the Solar and Lunar guards present. Princess Celestia attempted to smile comfortingly and kindly, but it came out a bit strained and disturbed. A vein began twitching underneath her helmet.

The white text box quietly set Wade's legs so that they would heal properly without needing to be rebroken. The yellow text box twitched and started to poutily make its way over to Wade's body.

**[Poutily isn't a word, dumbass.]** It poutily pouted.

Princess Twilight was so overcome with relief that she did not immediately acknowledge the not-word-that-was-so-totally-a-word that yellow had said. Wade's body twitched further as his brain finally began to regrow. Amazingly, still, nopony noticed.

Princess Celestia tried, and failed, to imagine what she could possibly offer that could convince Death to part with this misplaced human soul that had somehow convinced the cosmic being to do… No she would not think of it. Princess Celestia looked about the room. Her hopeful, almost foalishly innocent little ponies gazed at her with the sure knowledge that nothing was beyond their Princess-Goddess. Princess Celestia felt a headache coming on. She sighed and steeled herself for what would surely be an Ordeal.

"Princess Twilight I need a crystal with these very specific thaumaturgical properties in order to keep the soul bound to this plane," she said as she summoned a highly restricted and mostly illegal scroll with detailed notes on exactly what was required to magically bind a soul that had already left its body. Princess Twilight Sparkle grasp the scroll in her magic and began reading as quickly as she could.

"Right away Princess Celestia!" she declared with renewed vigor and hope. Then she looked at the yellow text box and said, "Did you say poutily? That isn't a word, you know."

**[Augh. I KNOW! Stupid bitch of an—]**

Princess Celestia had had enough. She had been just finishing a very trying day at Solar Court, looking forward greatly to her evening tea to refresh herself before lowering the sun. She sadly remembered the fondness for tea that she earlier had been feeling that she may now never feel again.

But just as she started to dismiss the Solar Court a torn scrap of paper bearing the words "Zompony invasion! HELP!" scribbled hastily in Spike's handwriting had magically appeared before her. Just when an end to obnoxious courtiers and nobles had been in sight and her tea— Tea. She thought queasily as the tried to suppress her natural awareness of the aether as thoroughly as possible.

She had not even remembered at the time to order her sister awoken, her worry had been so great. Which now that she did remember, it was too late to go back and fix it so that Luna would not be angry at her when she discovered she had missed something important and dramatic and "fun" again.

Princess Celestia had immediately summoned her ancient and currently ceremonial but still fully functionally warded armor. In her haste to be gone she had gotten the mail skirt twisted up in a most unpleasant way about the base of her tail that she now could not correct with any amount of fidgeting and shifting. Due to proper Princess decorum she just couldn't reach back and adjust it, magically or otherwise it was now chafing most unpleasantly. She had teleported in fully prepared for everything to have been a comical misunderstanding resulting in yet another lesson on the peculiar magic of friendship. Instead she had arrived to a horrific scene more fitting of an abattoir than the throne room of an Equestrian Princess, with her little ponies panicking and freaking out and generally acting as if society would crumble into madness and anarchy without her constant, steadying presence. Although she conceded that maybe she was being a bit harsh since there had not been an actual war in centuries and the death sentence had fallen out of favor long before Nightmare Moon had been banished so that even the guards had never actually seriously hurt anypony in a very long time indeed.

Though her fellow Princess was not setting the best example. She tried to remind herself that not everypony had seen the true horrors of the Discordian era in the brief span of time that Discord had reigned again. Even if her student had defeated him she had still been a very innocent little pony.

Now though, there were somehow boxes floating about that spoke in the most vulgar and cruel ancient Equish that she had ever had the misfortune to read. They had seemed to take great delight in traumatizing her former pupil and were obnoxious in the extreme.

She shuddered and pulled her spirit in tighter to her corporeal form. She really did not need the reminder of the bizarre scene occurring just beyond the veil. She could never unsee, nor unfeel, Death's escapades in the nearby aether. No matter how desperately she wished she could. To top it all off, she was now late setting the sun which was going to make a lot of ungrateful ponies angry at her for not keeping to a completely arbitrary schedule that she made up herself, anyways. And Luna was going to be even angrier, she was sure.

Quite frankly. After a thousand years of peace and kindness and smiling constantly and fixing problems that really, fully grown ponies ought to be able to fix on their own, Princess Celestia had finally snapped.

"WE TOLD THEE THAT WE HAD HAD ENOUGH OF THINE ANTICS!" she bellowed in her most powerful Canterlot voice. The Solar guards fainted from the shock of it all. The Lunar guards, slightly more accustomed to such volume, braced themselves and stood their ground. Derpy let out an eep and cowered before her angry Goddess-Princess. Twilight Sparkle said something too quickly to be heard and galloped out of the room, carrying both Spike and the scroll with her.

Wade's ears twitched and he blinked his eyes groggily. He shook his head and looked about. Bits of blood and brain splattered the ground around him. And the golden pillars beside his head. He stared at them for a moment until they came into focus as the armored hind legs of a small horse. Or possibly a large pony.

Wade opened his mouth to say something, but blood came out instead as his throat wounds had stitched themselves back together in the wrong order. He stretched his neck out forward to its full extension and flexed his neck muscles to pop his veins and arteries back out of his esophagus. He made a face as he spat out the remainder of the misappropriated blood.

Still no pony noticed his increasingly not dead movements. Transfixed as they were on the terrifying visage of their gentle ruler now uncharacteristically contorted in fury.

Wade felt something soft tickle at his back and wings. It reminded him a bit of Death's mane or tail, except not exactly.

Princess Celestia summoned her magic to her and her horn flared in golden light.

**[Aw. Come on. This is bullshit]**

_**[And we've already wasted our Monty Python reference for this story, too.]**_

Wade looked up. Wade learned that Equestrian armor left certain regions generally covered by tails exposed to the elements. Being a highly trained mercenary and assassin, he easily determined that this was to allow the use of the facilities while remaining armored. Being stark raving bonkers he giggled to himself. The queerly flowing sensation on his back was now obviously this new lady pony's tail. Though from where he was laying it looked like the mail skirt was chafing most uncomfortably.

Princess Celestia struck the yellow text box that was a physical manifestation of a portion of Wade's fractured psyche with her magic.

**[AURGH!]**

"Au-mph!" Wade shrieked and leapt up in reflex. His manly bellow of pain was abruptly cut off as he accidentally shoved his bloodied face directly into Princess Celestia's royal rump. The ethereal tail now tickled his ears as well as his back. Everypony noticed Wade's most definitely not dead self now. Princess Celestia's eyes widened and her pupils shrunk in shock. For one brief, excruciating moment that seemed to last both forever and not nearly long enough nopony moved.

_**[We should probably run now. I think sun deities can actually kill us for realsies.]**_

**[Ow, ow, ow. Yes, running is a good idea.]**

The yellow text box said as it wobbled its way back nearer to Wade's head.

Wade, being madder than a March hare, and really just making the best of a hopeless situation, helpfully fixed Princess Celestia's mail skirt.

With his tongue.

_**[I hate you so, so much right now.]**_

**[Why are we so crazy? Can't we do something sensible just this once?]**

Princess Celestia shrieked in righteous fury and bucked with the full might of an angered goddess. Which while a natural and understandable response was probably not the best, given the circumstances. Wade involuntarily coughed up blood and bits of lung as his ribcage was crushed from the force of the godly buck. He struck the wall above the throne room doors. His spine and skull shattered painfully on impact, sending bits of bone into his brain. Wade's blood dripped wetly down the wall and also down the armored legs of Princess Celestia. His body landed with a "thump-squelch" on the ground and twitched involuntarily in death. The aether rippled as Death welcomed Deadpool's soul returned to her.

Princess Celestia felt a fugue state descend upon her. Her body burst into solar fire. The ancient armor whose worth was incalculable in both bits and craftsponyship and knowledge was melted effortlessly into slag and dripped from her body upon the floor. The crystal floor began to glow white hot under her hooves. The blood and gore, both upon her royal self and in the the room flash boiled. The ponies that had previously been in the room found themselves suddenly and inexplicably in the courtyard. Except for one other.

**[Oh god I think she turned herself into living plasma.]**

_**[Deadpool wake up, you crazy idiot! We have to get out of here!]**_

The text boxes tried to push the very corporeal and mostly dead body that they were still bound to out the doors without success. Wade's soul returned and he staggered to his hooves. He tried to push his ribcage back into some sort of shape that was more pleasant to feel than all squished up against his spine. The text boxes did their best to help.

Princess Celestia stepped forward and Wade finally noticed his imminent peril through the brain damage from a violently shattered skull. He smiled deliriously and opened his mouth.

_**[SHUT**_ **UP!]**

Princess Twilight Sparkle galloped through the open throne room doors, carrying a gem of the exact specifications she had calculated were needed for a pegasus stallion of Wade's size and roughly estimated weight. Both Wade and Princess Celestia paused and turned to look at her.

"I remembered that I just happened to have a gem of the right size and composition in my study and I calculate that we still have at least one minute and sixteen seconds in which we can still bind the soul," she exclaimed in excitement. She froze mid gallop as the tableau before her registered in her brain.

"Oh hey Sparklelord, come to join the fun?" Wade slurred out of his broken jaw. Princess Celestia abruptly resumed her usual corporeal form, sans her regalia which had been left in Canterlot. She glanced nervously behind herself and quickly magicked away the slagged, sad remains of the ancient armor on the floor. She gazed forward and donned once again her familiar regal mask of kindness.

"Princess Twilight, I am sure your calculations are correct. However it would appear the crystal is no longer needed," Princess Celestia said calmly. As if she were not just moments before the very sun itself come down to Equus. Wade reached up with one hoof to loudly and obnoxiously pop his broken jaw back into place. Fresh blood smeared his hoof. The crystal floor still glowed as if from fiery hoof prints. Twilight Sparkle shifted her gaze uneasily between the other two ponies in the room.

Wade's ribs cracked wetly as they healed back into place, for the second time that day. He hacked loudly as his lungs expanded and repaired themselves. Bright frothy red blood and dark coagulated clots flew to the floor as he coughed.

**[Dude, gross.]**

_**[Vampire cough man, vampire cough.]**_

Wade ignored his boxes, wiped his bloody lips on the back of his foreleg, and looked cheerfully between the two princesses.

"Well, I don't know about you ladies, but I'm starving!"

Princess Twilight looked between the still blood covered Wade and the disgusting mess in front of him. She vomited the remains of her lunch at his feet. As this was the usual response to Wade's unmasked face he took it in stride.

Princess Celestia took a deep breath and marshalled her patience. She thought longingly of her missed tea. And then remembered a different sort of tea and felt somewhat nauseous. Having millenia more experience with life than her former student, she did not vomit. But, oh, how she wanted to.

Her horn flared into a golden corona as she set the sun hurriedly, without spectacle or fanfair. The moon rose just as quickly and was peculiarly full instead of waning as was scheduled. The stars flared into life with a cold, almost angry brilliance. Princess Luna was not amused at being left out yet again, it seemed.

Princess Celestia looked to her former pupil and the pony-that-was-not-a-pony that stood before her. She resolved that she was going to have nothing to do with the next crisis that occurred. She did not care even if it was a villain more vile than Tirek. She would let Luna have her misguided "fun" and see how things played out.

Outside the windows the distant sounds of stampeding ponies reached their ears.

_I always wanted to learn to play the violin_, she thought placidly to herself. That seemed like it would be an excellent instrument for a just and kind ruler to play. The scent of smoke reached her nostrils. She deliberately did not think of the formerly calming idea of tea.

"Do you like tea?" Wade began.

**[We like tea.]**

_**[Darjeeling has such a nice and light body, lovely, flowery aroma.]**_

Princess Celestia remembered that the aether had smelled of Deerjeeling oolong tea. She grit her teeth.

**[Do you even have a Darjeeling here?]**

"Oh, I think they must. It was still Death's favorite," Wade helpfully answered. His wings and tail rustled in unfamiliar ways in response to his private thoughts.

Princess Celestia stared at him in quiet revulsion.

_**[Oh, sweet. Does she still like it when you do that one thing—]**_

Her Serene Grace Princess Celestia expelled the contents of her most royal stomach with a dignified and regal "hork."

_**[Ew. That's just plain rude.]**_

**[And completely uncalled for.]**

"All you had to say was that you didn't like tea."


	5. Chapter the Fifth

In which Our Hero meets an enthusiastic filly. 

"Thanks for whipping up that rain cloud earlier," Wade said around a mouthful of food. "I hate cleaning dried blood out of fur, it gets all matted and gross."

"Indeed," said Princess Celestia. Princess Twilight Sparkle shuddered.

Wade, Princess Celestia, Spike and Princess Twilight Sparkle were seated in the dining hall. The long banquet table was covered in various trays, platters and chafing dishes that were filled with food that was easy to make quickly and in quantity. Princess Celestia had just finished a healthy supper, while Twilight Sparkle seemed to be having some trouble eating anything. Her royal tiara was skewed at an awkward angle. Spike was currently eating some of the more dragon oriented foodstuffs.

**[We should probably learn how to do clouds, at some point.]**

_**[Hopefully we aren't in this body long enough for that to be relevant.]**_

"Hahaha," Twilight laughed nervously, "It was the least I could do. You know, after completely ablating your entire nervous system on account of accidentally thinking you were a zompony." Her smile was quite forced.

"Yeah, literally the least thing you could do," Spike said cheerfully. Twilight Sparkle developed a nervous tic in her eye.

"But it all turned out OK in the end. Just like it always does. Everything is fine! No problems here!" she said quickly and with forced cheer. "Why look, we're even having a royal banquet!" She raised her voice towards the end of the sentence and attempted to gesture regally at the dining hall and dish laden banquet table. The resulting gesture was much more spastic than regal though at least her golden shoe stayed in place. Spike raised an eyebrow at her, then shrugged and continued eating.

"Well, there was the small matter of the stampede that nearly caused a firestorm. Thankfully the Ponyville weather team is quite well trained at putting out fires, we really should commend Rainbow Dash for keeping everypony in such top form," Princess Celestia interjected as she sipped daintily at cool glass of iced juice. A vein in Twilight's forehead began to throb alarmingly.

"Ahahaha, yes. The stampede. How could I forget. Silly me!" said Twilight Sparkle. She lifted up an apple in her magic and attempted to drink from it.

_**[You are aware that you are drinking an apple, yes?]**_

**[I think you might have broke her.]**

"Eh, 's not the first time. She'll get better," Wade said carelessly. It was unclear if he was referring to the number of times he had broken someone's psyche or the number of times Twilight Sparkle had reacted poorly to something. He belched obnoxiously, Princess Twilight Sparkle twitched. "Probably, she'll get better." He then continued in his efforts to consume the entire spread laid out on the banquet table.

"It is equally fortunate that the emergency storm used to put out the fires also shocked our little ponies back to their senses and cleaned off those poor ponies in the courtyard, or there may have been another stampede not so easily stopped," added Princess Celestia.

_**[You're an expert with expository dialogue, I see, Mistress Crazy Horse.]**_

"It is Princess Celestia, I am a pony, and I am that sure I do not know what you are talking about," Princess Celestia said firmly. Her gaze at the yellow text box was stern. It feigned ignorance particularly well, considering that it was a floating box with no face or body language.

"Your face and my face would be face to face, if, you know, I had my face instead of this face," Wade said. Princess Celestia frowned momentarily. Princess Twilight placed the apple down on top of her water cup. Spike looked at Wade in confusion.

"I fail to see how this is relevant to my species," said Princess Celestia.

**[I'm pretty sure horses and ponies are both the same thing, just shorter and taller than each other.]**

Princess Celestia sighed. Twilight Sparkle seemed to be thinking deeply about something. Spike used her moment of distraction to load his plate with gem encrusted desserts.

"I had thought that misconception had died out after The Reign of Discord," Celestia said. "Regardless, that is not true. Horses and ponies are not the same in many ways."

"I'd never heard of anypony, or anyone actually, mistaking ponies for horses before. There are instances in some ancient texts written by other species that make the false correlation, but certainly no modern references to such a thing," Princess Twilight said thoughtfully. Her corona flared as she lifted her glass with her magic. She looked surprised and fluttered her wings when the apple fell off. The crystal of the table made a rather melodic thud-tink sound when it landed. Twilight hastily levitated the apple onto her plate.

**[Well, we ain't 'xactly from 'round here, is we?]**

Princess Celestia nodded knowingly. Princess Twilight glared in offense at the yellow text box. Wade slurped up the last of his tea noisily.

"Your grammar is terrible. Ain't isn't a word and you conjugated to be incorrectly," she said sternly as she placed her cup down. Wade started humming a song to himself.

_**[We don't need no education.]**_

"What! You just-!" Twilight ground her teeth in frustration. Then she grasped the nearest two pieces of flatware in her magic, a dinner knife and a fish knife, and started trying to scratch the surface of the boxes in an effort to correct their sentences. They floated about trying to dodge while continuing to quote lyrics to Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall (Part II).

"Ow. Hey. Stoppit." Wade said as Twilight successfully connected with the boxes. He dropped his improvised burrito and started rubbing at his head. "Seriously, guys, cut it out." The text boxes ignored Wade and continued to taunt Princess Twilight. She was in "the zone" as she tried to grade the boxes' sentences. A distant booming chime echoed throughout the castle. Princess Celestia sighed and set down her iced juice. Spike hastily snuck his bejeweled dessert laden tray under the table and continued snacking.

"Twilight Sparkle-" she began, only to be cut off as Twilight successfully used a fish knife to edit "them kids" in the yellow text box. She struck through "them" and carved neatly "those" with extreme prejudice.

"I said STOP!" Wade shouted as he leapt up from his seat and slammed his head into Twilight Sparkle's horn. Her corona flared out brightly and then fizzled down to nothing. Twilight shrieked and staggered back. Her tiara bounced off of her head and landed upside down on Wade's head. The dinner knife and fish knife clatter-tinged as they landed on the floor. Blood trickled out of Wade's ear.

Spike quickly ate the rest of the massive pile of sweets from his hiding spot under the table. Princess Celestia grasped the knives in her magic in order to put them back in their place setting. Working through a magical backlash was unpleasant, Twilight Sparkle would not be casting any spells for a short time. Suddenly, a backdraft swept through the room as a rainbow blur resolved itself into a pale blue pegasus mare with rainbow mane and tail.

"I came as soon as I could. I would have been here sooner but Fluttershy started freaking out-" she had started speaking before she stopped flying, and indeed she was carrying a trembling pale pink and yellow pegasus pony. The trembling pony had her wings clenched tightly against her barrel. The rainbow hued pony stopped speaking as she took in the scene. Princess Twilight was slumped next to Princess Celestia and rubbed at her fizzling horn. Princess Celestia had paused in moving the cutlery at the entrance of the new ponies so the knives floated in her golden aura before her. She had not summoned her regalia from the palace and so was still unadorned. Spike huddled under the table clutching his stomach. A strange scarred pony with creepy eyes stood on the table wearing Princess Twilight Sparkle's crown. There was the unmistakable scent of fresh blood in the room.

"Skittles?" Wade asked as he noticed the new, rainbow pegasus. It should be noted that skittles is a kind of bowling game in Equestria, not a sort of fruit flavored rainbow candy.

**[Oooh, do we get to "taste the rainbow?" *winkwink* *nudgenudge*]**

_**[Giggity.]**_

It was probably fortunate that the text boxes were written in a mostly dead language. The new pegasus rightly decided from Wade's random outburst that this weird pony was both insane and dangerous. Fluttershy let out a quiet "eep" as she was dropped abruptly on the floor. Making a quick decision the cyan pegasus blurred into a rainbow streak as she flew at Wade with front hooves outstretched.

Wade had time to raise his wings and brace his legs. He had been expecting to be struck with the same speed and force of an Earth horse plowing into him and had braced himself accordingly. What he got was something like a very small and very angry freight train. Half his ribs shattered on impact and his liver burst under the force of the double hooved strike connecting. He was knocked off his hooves despite his bracing. Even with the accuracy and force of her strike it was clear his attacker had never actually fought in earnest before.

Princess Celestia finished placing the cutlery back in its place setting.

Despite all of the speed of the rainbow pony she was clearly not expecting any retaliation. She didn't even try to get out of melee range. Wade, however, had known he couldn't dodge the hit entirely and so had planned on taking it. He hadn't planned her to hit this hard, true, but he was far from incapacitated. Instead of falling into the wall and landing unconscious on the ground as his attacker had expected, he took full advantage of his bigger size and high pain tolerance to pin her head and forelegs against his body even as she struck him. The force of the strike knocked them into the wall hard enough to crack Wade's skull. The upside down tiara flew off of Wade's head. Bright red blood splattered against the wall at the same time that it chimed pleasantly from being struck by Wade's skull. The mare's head slammed into Wade's abdomen instead of the wall and something cracked like breaking bone.

The two ponies landed with a surprisingly musical clatter on the floor. The golden corona surrounding Celestia's horn glowed brightly as she cast a spell over the two ponies. There was a wet squelch as Wade whimpered and rolled onto his stomach. The rainbow pegasus groaned and blinked dazedly. Princess Celestia relaxed once her spell finished scanning the two ponies, her corona faded away at the completion of the spell.

"While I do appreciate your eagerness to defend your princesses, Rainbow Dash, I do hope next time you will at least wait to be introduced to a stallion before you break him so thoroughly," Princess Celestia said calmly. Wade quietly whined while blood leaked from his mouth and pulsed from under his flank. The boxes were small and unintelligible near his head. Rainbow Dash shakily stood up, faced away from the two princesses, and saluted the table and chairs.

"'S my hon'r to serve an' protect," she slurred at a chair. "Reserve Wonderbolt-" Rainbow Dash seemed to realize she was actually trying to report for duty to a chair. She shook her head and turned around. "It's my honor to serve and protect! Reserve Wonderbolt Rainbow Dash reporting for duty, your Highnesses!" she said with confidence as she saluted Princess Celestia and a slowly recovering Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"Rainbow Dash, I am serious that the next time you encounter a strange situation such as this again you should not act so rashly. If this pony was not hexed then he would be nearly dead from your rash behavior," Princess Celestia said. She was not smiling. Rainbow Dash gulped nervously. Spike poked Wade with a crystal branch from a table decoration.

Princess Celestia sighed. She seemed to be sighing quite a lot lately. Wade made a strangled sound of horrified realization. The text boxes resolved themselves into an unbroken stream of vulgar and improbable curses. Princess Twilight Sparkle recovered enough from the magical backlash to become confused at the slowly scrolling stream of increasingly impossible invective issuing from both text boxes.

"I have to set this," Wade said in resignation. Spike continued poking him. "Hey, kid, you probably don't want to watch this. Go fluff Sparklelord's pillows or something," he said to the young dragon. Twilight Sparkle frowned at him and squinted as she cast a spell through the after effects of the backlash. Wade and Rainbow Dash glowed magenta as it moved over them.

"Hey, I'm not a baby, I can handle whatever it is! I'm not freaking out about all the blood, you know," Spike said stubbornly. And indeed, as a dragon he had no prey drive to make him nervous just because he could smell blood. Wade grunted and flexed his abdominal muscles. Twilight Sparkle looked nauseous once the spell completed.

"Look, kid, I ain't sayin' you're a baby, there's just some things that you can't unsee. Trust me, you don't want to see this," Wade tried again as he shifted position from a belly down sprawl to a crouch, his wings draped down to the floor. "Whatever, I ain't re-breaking this to spare your stomach, I-Oh!" Wade dropped back down to his belly. Twilight Sparkle blushed but kept her corona up. "Uh, hello. That's, um, that's different."

"I'm sorry, I'm not a doctor," she mumbled through the casting.

_**[Woah. Can you give a guy a little warning, next time?]**_

**[Its all tingly. Like… magical... sparkles. Guys! Guys! Are you feeling this? THERE'S MAGIC IN OUR — ]**

Princess Celestia coughed and gestured at Spike.

**[Oh, he can read us? I did not know that. Um. In our head, there's tingly magic in our "head".]**

"Uh-huh," Spike stared at the yellow text box suspiciously. "You're doing that thing about the weird things that I'm not supposed to know about, aren't you."

"Spike," Princess Celestia said sternly.

"I'm not stupid," Spike muttered under his breath as he sulked.

_**[And duh. We're in the same body that you're in, dumbass. Of course we feel it.]**_

"Well. As rife with potential shenanigans this scenario is, I'm gonna have to tell whoever's doing that, that everything important is all healed up now. So unless we're gonna be super special friends you should probably stop," Wade said regretfully. Twilight's horn fizzled a bit as she dropped her corona.

"That probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't scratched your weird box things and made you defend yourself. So it was kind of my fault," Twilight Sparkle said. She looked down and scuffed her hoof on the floor. "I'm sorry I assaulted you indirectly with cutlery." She blushed and mumbled, "Also I'm sorry that my friend broke your penis."

Spike gasped in horror, dropped the branch, and fainted. Wade flexed his abdominal muscles and stood up, blood smeared his belly and inner thighs. Fluttershy let out another eep at this shocking statement from her spot that she had yet to move from. Princess Celestia sighed. Again.

"Wait! What?" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. She spun around and picked Wade up by his shoulders. She hovered them in the air, just barely above the ground. She shoved her snout against his as she looked him over.

**[Does no one have any concept of personal space here?]**

_**[Seriously, this is getting annoying.]**_

"Hands off the goods, Turbo," Wade said. His ears and wings flicked in annoyance. Rainbow Dash dropped him and held her hooves to her now bloodied snout in shock.

"Ohmygosh, this some elaborate prank, right?" she spun around to face Twilight. Princess Celestia shook her head solemnly. Princess Twilight Sparkle looked at the ground and shuffled her hooves awkwardly. Wade and the boxes grumbled to themselves as he rinsed his mouth out with the nearest water glass. He spat back into the cup, giving the water a pink tinge. "You're, you're serious. What. I broke somepony's…" she said, the squeakily whispered "boner bone?"

**[Haha, you said broke.]**

_**[Also you broke our ribs and cracked our sternum and ruptured our liver and spleen.]**_

**[Heehee, spleen sounds funny.]**

Rainbow Dash noticed the smear of blood on her hooves. She started shivering and began to pant. She stopped flapping and landed roughly on the floor.

"I almost killed somepony," she said in a daze.

"Awe, don't worry Dashie. I'm sure you'll kill them for good next time!" Wade said encouragingly. Rainbow Dash stared at him with wide eyes.

"Next time?" she asked him.

**[Yeah. You're some kind of special air force member, right?]**

_**[You're assuming air force because of her being a pegasus. Maybe it's more like special ops?]**_

"Regardless," Wade said to the textboxes in annoyance. Then, addressing Rainbow Dash again, "Don't assume someone is gonna stay down just 'cause you hit them with your best shot." Wade clumsily dunked a cloth napkin in the cup and started wiping off the blood from his coat. "I mean, it ain't fair that I've got my awesome healing factor so I don't ever stay down. But yanno, there's no kill like overkill, mama always said."

_**[Our mother never said any such thing.]**_

**[We think.]**

Wade waved his hoof about dismissively.

"Not relevant, guys," Wade said. Rainbow Dash stared at him mutely. Princess Celestia's horn glowed as she levitated a wet napkin over to her and began wiping away at the blood on her muzzle. Princess Twilight Sparkle lifted Spike onto her back.

"Rainbow Dash. Wade Wilson," Twilight said tiredly and gestured between them with her hoof, clearly in a belated introduction attempt. She pointed with a wing at the cowering pink and yellow pony. "Fluttershy meet Wade Wilson. Wade Wilson meet Fluttershy."

"Hiya!" Wade said cheerfully. Fluttershy waved a hoof nervously in their direction but if she said anything, it didn't reach the ponies across the room. Princess Twilight raised a foreleg to her chest and inhaled. She paused a moment, then stretched her leg out in front of her and exhaled.

"Now if you'll excuse me it has been a very long day on top of which I now have a minor case of magic backlash. Spike and I are going to _sleep_. If anypony wakes me up for anything less than the end of life as we know it, I will not be held responsible for my actions. Good. Night," Twilight Sparkle said as she walked out of the room with Spike on her back.

_**[Touchy.]**_

"Like regenerating entire organs and tissue systems and healing broken bones is _easy_," Wade muttered.

**[Seriously. You don't hear us complaining.]**

Princess Celestia was not amused.

**[Much. You don't hear us complaining much.]**

"I am sorry for the trying times that everypony had today. For now, my little ponies," Wade shuddered inexplicably as she called him her little pony, "I believe my fellow Princess has the right idea. It is time for rest. Tomorrow we shall discuss Wade's problems, in detail," Princess Celestia said. She nuzzled each of her little ponies kindly as she passed them on her way out of the room.

_**[Hoo boy.]**_

**[That... might take a while.]**

"I'll try to stick with the getting my body and home dimension back, if it's all the same to you," Wade said. He had wiped the worst of the blood off of his coat and so dropped the dirty cloth napkin to the floor. He gave Rainbow Dash a hearty slap on the back on his way out of the dining hall. When he reached the entryway he crouched down in front of Fluttershy.

"You OK? That fall was kinda abrupt," he said quietly. Fluttershy glanced up and nodded.

"Y-y-yes, I'm f-fine. Th-th-th-thank you," she whispered softly.

"_No problema_," Wade said. He stood back up and started to make his way down the hallway, looking for a place to crash. The translucent crystal of the other side of the hallway was the outer wall of the castle. It caused the landscape to look like an impressionist nightscape painting painted all in blues.

**[Maybe we should ask one of the peasant ponies where the guest rooms are.]**

_**[I think they're servants, not peasants, actually.]**_

"I think it doesn't matter either way, since they start shaking when they see me. Anyways, I don't really want to deal with that right now," Wade said. He looked into the next door down the hallway to see a well decorated ballroom. "Nothin'."

**[It's probably still faster to ask someone.]**

_**[You **_**know**_** castles are built like mazes, to slow down revolts.]**_

Wade grunted in response and gazed out the windows as they walked down the hallway. The yellow text box floated on ahead a bit and started trying to open the next door. The white text box seemed to be taking in the scenery with Wade. Ponyville was laid out before them. Whereas earlier today it had been clear to them that the town was rebuilding, now Wade saw ponies screaming and running in terror as the town burned to the ground.

"Uh, that's a hallucination, right? 'Cause I don't know how to make any rain clouds and that technically isn't the end of the world."

_**[Since you didn't specify, I'm going to assume yes. It's still drizzling and the weird bat-winged guards are out patrolling.]**_

His wings and ears drooped down and he sighed.

"I really want my mask," he said. The yellow text box finally managed to open the door just as Wade caught up to it.

_**[Well, well, well.]**_

Wade stepped into the room.

"I can work with this," he said to the boxes as he looked around the currently re-purposed parlor.

**[Ask and ye shall receive.]**

The magical lighting came up as soon as he entered the room. Bolts of cloth in various colors were stacked neatly in temporary shelving. A basket with spools of thread and a pin covered pincushion sat next to a sewing machine.

"Now to see if there's anything worth using," he said to the boxes as they began going through the fabric bolts. The fabrics were all of a high quality and of nearly every solid color and sparkling, shimmering style. There was a notable lack of patterned, printed fabric that was so common back in the fabric stores that he was familiar with. There was also no spandex.

The white text box seemed more interested in the various bright eye catching colors and textiles than the stretchy reds and blacks that Wade and the yellow text box were going over. Wade pulled out a bright red fabric that had more stretch in it than the others.

"It ain't exactly spandex but it's close enough, I guess. "

He pulled the bolt out and tossed it at the white text box.

_**[Hey!]**_

It protested as the heavy bolt landed on it.

"Make your corporeal self useful," Wade told it. It grumbled a bit but did carry the bolt over to the improvised work area and dropped it on the table.

**[All the blacks are weird. They almost look like the night sky, or something. This is the nicest one though.]**

The yellow box started poking at a not-quite-satin black fabric. When Wade pulled it out and tested it, the fabric stretched much farther than he had anticipated.

"Oh, I like this one. I wonder if we can order it in red?" He rubbed it against his cheek and sighed. It was comfortable and silky smooth. He hefted it onto his back and walked over to the work table. "Man, this would make awesome panties."

_**[Here.]**_

The white text box had found a fabric cutter. There were scissors in the work basket but Wade didn't want to take the time to figure out how to operate them without thumbs.

**[Oooh did you see this one? It's so fluffy!]**

_**[Look at how sparkly this one is, is that magic or glitter, do you think?]**_

The boxes' chatter faded into the background as Wade set to work.


	6. Chapter the Sixth

This chapter has Deadpool Comics canon level sex and violence in it. This is described in such a way that it falls, in my opinion, under the "M" rating and not the FF site rules forbidden "MA" rating.

Reminder Yellow is **bold text** and Courier Font/White is _**italic and bold text**_. Plain italics are a regular pony's thoughts.

* * *

In which Our Hero kills a little kill, in the Prench manner of speaking

Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight Sparkle, along with her faithful scribe Spike, were all seated at the crystal dining table in the suite of common rooms that linked seven crystal bed chambers. Seven crystal seats surrounded the table.

An immaculate white unicorn, with three blue diamonds for her cutie mark, was levitating tapestry designs and fabric swatches before Twilight Sparkle as everypony finished up a casual breakfast. Her magical corona was a pale blue that stood out against her perfectly styled, violet mane. She sipped at her breakfast tea daintily as she held it in her magical field.

"The throne room is simply dazzling, of course, but it is just so austere," she spoke. "Now this design here really represents all of the princesses as well as our little group," she said as she levitated a sketch of six ponies floating in the air with colorful rays shooting from their bodies. The rays met above them and formed a brilliant rainbow heart. Half the background was a sunny sky and the other half was a clear night.

"Yes, that's fine, Rarity. It looks great," Twilight Sparkle said, bleary eyed. She slurped noisily at her still hot coffee. Princess Celestia made a quiet noise of appreciation when she saw the sketch.

"It's perfect, Rarity," Spike said as he gazed at Rarity in adoration. Nopony seemed to notice.

"Why thank you, dear," Rarity said to Twilight. "It just seems like it is missing a certain something. Oh, perhaps I can order a sample of that new fabric from Prance. It has an absolutely lovely rainbow shimmer to it that will really make the friendship rays pop!"

Celestia hummed thoughtfully as she sipped at her warm milk. Rarity levitated her reading glasses and held them up to her eyes. Spike sighed in contentment as he watched her contemplate the sketch. Twilight Sparkle continued to noisily drink her coffee.

"No, no," Rarity murmured quietly to herself. "I know something is missing, but it just isn't coming to me." She folded her glasses and tapped them thoughtfully on her chin. "I tried adding in the other princesses directly, but it just was much too cluttered. Oh, no offense meant, Princess Celestia," Rarity said, then tittered nervously as she realized her potential social gaff.

"None taken, my little pony. I fear my face adorns more than enough art as it is," Princess Celestia said kindly. After a moment of contemplation she asked, "Are there not seven Friendship Thrones, dear Rarity?"

Rarity held a hoof up to her mouth, as was proper, and gasped.

"This is the. Worst. Possible. Thing!" she said dramatically. She paused in between each word for effect and then summoned a crystal and plush fainting couch upon which she did swoon. "Oh, oh my goodness! Yes, of course! How could I possibly forget dear little Spikey-wikey!" she cried out.

Spike flushed and leapt to his feet, eager to assuage Rarity's pain.

"That's okay Rarity. I don't mind, I mean, I didn't really do anything to defeat Tirek. I just kinda stood there, is all," Spike said in an attempt to ease her distress. He knelt before her and held her forehoof in his claws. "Really, Rarity, the tapestry design is so neat. I don't want you to have to mess it up because of me," he added. Rarity covered his claws with her other hoof.

"Oh, my little Spikey-wikey is such a proper gentlecolt!" she exclaimed. "But, no! This affront to friendship cannot stand! I must correct it. At once!" she declared. She stood up and magically returned the fainting couch from whence it had come.

She quickly sorted her things into her stylish saddle bag and began to make her way out of the room. She paused and dropped an exactly correct curtsy to Princess Celestia.

"I'm so sorry to eat and run, but I must begin the redesign right away! We should breakfast again sometime soon. Without business to interrupt us, I hope," Rarity said in parting. Spike hopped up and waved to Celestia and Twilight Sparkle as he followed Rarity.

"Bye Twilight, Celestia. Don't forget to add 'Meeting With That Weird Pony' on your to do list for today!" Spike called cheerfully as he and Rarity began the walk down to her makeshift work room.

"Oh no, my schedule!" Twilight Sparkle's frustrated shout followed them down the hall.

"Oh? There was some weird pony petitioning our own Princess Twilight?" Rarity asked Spike. But before he could answer she continued on. "Applejack mentioned that there was some commotion at the castle yesterday, but Pinkie Pie said that it wasn't anything that needed all of us to take care of. I know Pinkie is, well, Pinkie, but she never plays her little pranks when something serious is ahoof," Rarity said. Spike nodded in agreement.

"Oh, yeah, Princess Celestia came and fixed everything!" Spike said enthusiastically. "Well, I mean, it turns out there wasn't really any danger in the first place. Twilight thought this pony was a zompony, he wasn't, really, but this colt looked so creepy that everyone thought he was a zompony, so it's not like it's her fault or anything," Spike added quickly.

"Oh, dear," Rarity said in concern. After a moment she added, "Well, if Twilight is meeting with him today then it can't have gone all that badly." Spike and Rarity had reached the stairs and proceeded down them, towards the parlor where some of her sewing equipment was currently stored.

"Oh, no, it was pretty bad. She totally freaked and zapped his brain with her anti-zompony spell. He really died and everything!" Spike clarified. Rarity paled.

"That was, she zapped him after the guards threw their spears. There was blood everywhere! But he was still moving around and trying to talk! It was super creepy," Spike shuddered. "Blood was everywhere! I, uh, think they're still cleaning the throne room, actually," Spike added. Rarity looked nauseous. "Though Princess Celestia cleaned up most of it already. I think the maids are kind of scared of his blood being contagious..." They had reached the hallway with her destination.

"That... that sounds simply dreadful!" Rarity exclaimed.

She paused to gather her thoughts.

"Oh, Spike, you must have been so scared!" she cried out as she pulled him close for a hug. He squeaked and blushed as she squeezed him close and rocked back and forth. "My poor widdle Spikey-wikey! To have seen such horrors at his tender age!"

"I'm not a baby anymore, Rarity! I even remembered to tell Princess Celestia when Twilight forgot to!" Spike said as he squirmed in her grasp.

Rarity swooned dramatically into the door to the parlor, and then swooned through the door as it opened unexpectedly. Startled, she and Spike swooned all the way to the ground.

"Oh!" Rarity cried out as she landed on Spike.

Spike grunted and twitched as he was squished between pony and crystal floor.

Deadpool snored loudly from his inelegant sprawl across a finely upholstered divan. He had worn his new mask to sleep. He was drooling all over it and the boxes that were cuddled up under his head. His wings were extended and locked in a most improper manner, and his hooves twitched periodically. His scarred eyelids were visible through the eyeholes of his mask.

Rarity absentmindedly helped Spike to his feet as she stood up.

"My goodness. Is this the strange pony of which you were speaking, Spikey?" Rarity asked of the little dragon.

"Uh, yeah, I guess the servants really are scared of him," Spike said in surprise. He scratched his chin and looked up. Rarity gazed at the state of her work room.

"I think he said his name was Wades Whinnyson, or something weird." Spike added as he looked at Deadpool thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, it didn't sound like a pony name at all..."

"Oh, Nightmare! What happened here?" Rarity said in surprise. Spike jumped in surprise at her uncharacteristic outburst. Upon looking about, the state of her temporary work room was a sight, indeed. Fabric bolts and scraps were messily strewn about the entire room. On her work desk there was a sloppily arranged pile of fabric that had been cut, but not stitched. Tossed on the floor was an unfortunate amount of white fabric with stitches sewn on it with varying skill. Presumably it had been used for practice.

Rarity started sorting out her work space and was alarmed to find hoof chips and tiny spots of blood among the clutter. Spike held up a scrap trimmed from a seam with silver primary feathers sewn in.

"Oh my," Rarity said as she used her magic to remove the feathers from the scrap and set them carefully on the tea table. She looked at Deadpool, really looked at him instead of the cursory glance from before. His wings were not missing any feathers and his hooves did not have any chips or cracks. Yet the feathers, and presumably the other mess, were definitely his.

His muscles and body shape were the very picture of a healthy, athletic stallion. His nearly pristine wings were in need of preening now, and his previously magnificent blonde tail was tangled and matted. His exposed neck was bald, and it was obviously not by choice. His entire body was covered in brutal scarring and the occasional melanoma, leaving his fur patchwork. He was also in desperate need of a bath.

His death's mask cutie mark had, unknown to Rarity, changed just slightly. The skull was now nestled in a blue flame. Spike squinted as he stared at Deadpool's cutie mark. He stroked an imaginary mustache as he pondered this development.

"Oh, you poor dear," Rarity said quietly as she brushed away tears of compassion with a well groomed hoof.

"Well!" she said as she returned her gaze to the fabric held up in her magic. It had been cut somewhat sloppily, but the fabric was in shapes and sizes that she could work with. There were no sketches of a completed suit, but as she moved the fabric about with her magic, she began to pin the black accents to where she felt they belonged on the red fabric. "This will have to do for now. Spike, be a dear and help me, please?"

Spike leapt to attention eagerly.

"As you wish, Rarity!" he said as he stood next to the sewing machine, cheerfully awaiting her commands.

* * *

Deadpool, in his human body and full costume, screamed fiercely as he rode a steampunk-cyborg-mastodon through a horde of inept U.L.T.I.M.A.T.U.M. minions.

"On behalf of Hydra Bob, I take offense at that. Minions can be useful, these guys are just pathetic," Deadpool said, interrupting his manly battle cries to chide the author.

"Oh, NOW you acknowledge that I'm talking to you," Deadpool said in annoyance. He crossed his arms and stopped controlling the mastodon. The faceless mooks, and the messy, flattened remains of their comrades faded into the dreamscape. The mastodon trumpeted and rumbled in confusion. Deadpool gave it an affectionate pat. "Oh not you, buddy, you're doing great. Go on and kill some cave lions or bears or men. Or whatever the hell you do in the Savage Land."

The steampunk-cyborg gears and wheels and chains and yet more gears melted away. The liquid ran down the mastodon's fur and became a river of broken machinery. The mastodon rumbled an acknowledgement to Deadpool's command and started walking towards one of the now rising moons. The dreamscape began forming the tropical clime of the Savage Land around the broken river.

"You know, I've got a bone to pick with you, author. You promised me that there would be, and I quote 'free hugs.' And yet, here I stand—" Deadpool sprung up on his feet and landed pointedly on the mastodon's head. "—blatantly un-hugged," he finished as he gestured grandly to his body completely devoid of any being hugging it.

The author acknowledges that free hugs were promised and have not yet been delivered. However, the author would like to remind Deadpool that he did have presumably enjoyable sexy fun times with the ponification of death.

"And I would like to remind you that you stabbed me with spears, turned my brain into gas, made that adorable little pony cry, and–"

The author concedes that there has been some abuse of certain characters in recent chapters.

"Some abuse?! You fucking broke my god damn dick!" he shouted in the direction of the sky.

Ponies hugging crazy strangers all willy-nilly goes against the author's standards.

Deadpool drew one of his katana and idly checked its edge against his hand. It was very sharp.

In the author's defense when else, really, is 'boner bone' a relevant phrase?

"I'm gonna ask you one last time,' he drew his other katana and casually tested its edge as well. It was also very sharp. "Where the fuck..." He sheathed his katana and drew one of his custom Desert Eagles. "...are my..." He drew back the slide and checked the barrel. "...God damn hugs?" he aimed the .44 magnum upwards at—

Uh, he aimed his custom, .44 magnum gun at...

He drew his matching Desert Eagle with his other hand and gestured for the author to continue.

Well, that is to say, Deadpool was aiming at the author.

"Well?" Deadpool growled.

Um, Deadpool growled sexily! It was an extremely sexy growl and also terrific. Very traditionally terrific. Please don't kill me.

Did the author mention that in addition to being the sexiest merc in the entire, expansive, multiverse that Deadpool was also a completely legit X-Man?

Deadpool scratched an itch with one of his guns. "I'm listening." The other gun remained aimed at the author.

Oh, yes! Totes legit!

And, also! He is an honorary Avenger! Iron man said so himself.

"Go on."

And he is part of the illustrious Thunderbolts! Which is a totally awesome group of badass em effers for those not in the know, since they don't have their own movie and all. Oh God, he's still aiming at me!

Movies! Speaking of movies, Deadpool is getting his own movie soon! Ryan Reynolds is no Robert Downey Jr. I mean, really he-

"Ahem," Deadpool coughed politely while clicking off the safety on his guns.

Is a wonderful actor that loves Deadpool a lot and as long as he keeps it a hard 'R' how could anyone complain, really? *sob*

"While all that is one hundred percent true and not fabricated in any way, obviously. _You_ are still reneging on a deal."

The author would like to point out that the story remains incomplete and so—

Deadpool began to squeeze the trigger.

The author recalled the Deadpool Kills trilogy and the unhappy fate of Deadpool's official writing team. Fearing for her life, she concedes that promises were made and not kept. There will be blood, I mean hugs. There will be hugs.

Infact, there will be both blood and hugs.

"Great! Let's get this party started!" Deadpool exclaimed happily. He put away his guns and kicked his mount.

The mastodon fell over, dead from heat stroke. Since the Savage Land has a Cretaceous climate and mastodons are from the Pleistocene. Which Deadpool would know if he wasn't crazy.

Deadpool leapt gracefully from the falling pachyderm and landed in the midst of a pack of Savage Land velociraptors.

"Is there a reason we're being so specific as to their nationality?" Deadpool asked as he drew his swords.

Real velociraptors were pony sized and covered with feathers.

Deadpool shrugged.

"Eh, whaddya gonna do?" he said philosophically.

I dunno, write a fanfic about it, I guess. Now, fight!

The head velociraptor shrieked and lunged forward. Deadpool stabbed his sword through its mouth and out the back of its skull. Blood and gore splattered on the two 'raptors behind it. They screamed, enraged, and leapt at Deadpool with their arms raised and killing claws extended.

"You needed that like an extra hole in the head!"

Deadpool used his second sword to slice off the legs of the next 'raptor. Blood sprayed everywhere as it tried to kill Deadpool before it bled out. Deadpool shook his head and sighed.

"Ugh, that was terrible. I'm getting rusty."

He sliced out the side of the dying 'raptor's head with a twist. Its body fell, twitching, to the blood coated ground.

He caught the third charging 'raptor with his back stroke and took off its head.

"No need to lose your head!"

The last two 'raptors came at his back. He spun and sliced into the fourth 'raptor's chest, getting his sword stuck.

"Do you plan on sticking around?" He asked the fourth 'raptor.

He missed his stroke on the fifth 'raptor and severed an arm instead of its head.

"Don't go to pieces!" He yelled as he cut the fifth 'raptor in half on the return stroke. It snapped its mouth closed on Deadpool's shoulder even as its legs, tail, and guts continued on.

"Look, babe, I don't think this is working out."

Deadpool released his grip on the stuck sword as the fourth 'raptor tumbled past and landed, thrashing, on the blood slick ground.

"Let's agree to see other people, okay?"

He leapt up and slammed his shoulder, and consequently the fifth 'raptor's head, into the still thrashing fourth 'raptor. Either through pure luck or insane skill, he reamed the abandoned sword hilt through its eyes and skull. It released its grip on his shoulder and fell, dead.

"He's so into you!" Deadpool exclaimed.

Deadpool stood and drew a combat shotgun from his shoulder strap. He coldly executed the two still flailing and bleeding 'raptors. He had slightly miscalculated though, so when one of the 'raptors kicked out in its death spasms its sickle claw sliced open Deadpool's gut. Ropes of red and black shoestring licorice spilled out.

"I wonder what that says about me?" Deadpool wondered aloud, as he stuffed the candy back in the wound.

Probably nothing good, that's for sure.

Deadpool shrugged and went to pull the sword out of the body of the fourth velociraptor when suddenly, all of the velociraptor bodies exploded in a shower of red and black confetti. The puddles of red remained, but they smelled of sugar and artificial cherries. The distant mastodon corpse had left enormous tusks, far more than two, jutting up from the ground.

"Well, that was weird," Deadpool said.

A massive, dapper giganotosaurus in a monocle and tophat leapt up from the dreamscape and charged at Deadpool. He readied his katanas, when suddenly, a beam of sparkling blue magical energy struck the tyrannosaurid just behind its eyes. It bellowed and collapsed, melting back into the dreamscape.

"What fun! Well met Deadpool!"

"Lulu, baby, how's it hangin'?" said Deadpool to the freshly arrived Princess Luna.

Because apparently Princess Luna and Deadpool knew each other? WTF Deadpool, how did that even happen?

"I've been to the moon before, lady. What kind of Deadpool fan are you, anyways?"

That doesn't explain anything! Also I'm not sure that statement is entirely accurate. The moon in your 'verse isn't even the same— okay, forget it, I clearly have unrealistic expectations regarding you and your ability to not be completely bonkers and do impossible things. Fine. I will lower my expectations and we'll just go with SOMEHOW a Marvel character and an IDW licensed character are friends.

"Is this not, how do you say, a 'crossover'?" asked Princess Luna.

...That is completely out of character.

"You are but an actor in Deadpool's dream, who are you to say if we are behaving true to ourselves?" Princess Luna asked the author.

What? No, no, no! I'm the author! It is you that are but–

Deadpool giggled.

Dammit, Deadpool tell her about your comics!

"Oh, the comic books!" Luna stomped her hooves a moment in delight. "There are delightful comics being published right now about Twilight, Celly, and even some with me!" Deadpool squealed and clapped.

"Look at you, getting your own issues!" Deadpool said. Princess Luna laughed happily.

"Some of the tales are quite silly, but at least the comics are generally flattering," she said. She frowned, "even though some of the comics about Nightmare Moon are rubbish, Celly is quite firm on not torturing the ponies involved. That just isn't done, these days. And even when I demand satisfaction, dueling is no longer 'in style', as they say. So it isn't a fair contest, even with handicaps," Princess Luna said as she pouted.

...What? I can't even...

OK, nope, that's it. I quit!

"Well, I'm glad we worked through that trauma so quickly! Now we can get caught up,dear friend."

"This was actually a pretty tame nightmare for me, believe it or not."

"Indeed, your tale is filled with tragedy."

"Eh, it was the 90's, everyone's story was tragic and angsty."

"Hmm."

"Oh! I've got a new text box in my head, well not really in my head right now, this curvy pink pony ripped him and yellow right out! I'm currently using them for pillows, which, who knew? Right? You'd think they'd be all sharp and pointy but they're actually surprisingly comfy."

"In-ah-deed, that is sur... prising..."

"I didn't know your dream body could even get tense. You must really need a break, or something."

"A break isn't exactly what I... need. This new culture that Celly built is so boring and uptight, I think it's the term, these days."

"Sounds lame-o to the max (not The Maxx, a vital difference)."

"Hah, you know I do not, ahhhhh, get one third of your references. Yes, just like that. Mmm... I had noticed that your body was dreaming an extra dream tonight. Is this new box the cause, then?"

"Oh, I hope that he's dreaming about me! He's so nice! Except when he isn't nice at all."

"How pro-unnnnn... profound."

"He helps me out, like a lot. He can see through our hallucinations. And he always knows just the right thing to say. Besides, the readers love my little text boxes! I think I might even love him, too."

"Ahhh, young love. You must, mm hmm, meet the new Princess of Love. She, unh, she can see the red strings."

"Red's my favorite color!"

"Yes, I– yes, oh!"

"Oh hey-o! Uh, not to interrupt the girl talk or anything, but that adorable pompf sound effect (and the wing blade almost taking my arm off) reminds me of something that I've had occasion to wonder lately. Why do pony wings get all stiff?"

"Oh... well... in this, mmmm, particular, ahh, case it is because you are... mmmmm... massaging annnnn... erogenous zone, and it feels reallllllly... ohhh, very nice."

"Oh, uh... That makes as much sense as anything, I guess."

"Ah!"

"...So this means wing boners are a thing, then. Good to know, good to know."

"Though it, oh! Though it also can be caused by fear and... aaaah, and surprise."

"...i c..."

"Oh that is just, ahhhhh."

"Sooooo... this entire area–"

"Ah!"

"–right here–"

"Oh!"

"–is a pony sweet spot, then?"

"Yes! Yes, right there!"

"Do you want I should stop or–"

"DEADPOOL SO HELP US IF THOU CEASE THINE MINISTRATIONS NOW, WE SHALL BE MOST WROTH!"

"Yeesh, ok, ok, a simple 'don't stop, moar plz, Deadpool you're the best' wouldda sufficed. No need to breakout the caps lock."

"WE APOLOGIZE FOR OUR – AH! YES! Yes! I'm– uwaaa! Deadpool!"

"Yeah baby, that's it. Right there, just like that, huh?"

"Ahh, yes, yes, please, yes, oh, please. Please! Oh, oh, oh!"

"There you go, Lulu. There it is. That's the ticket, just Elsa it up and let it go."

"Deadpool... make- uwaaaa!"

"Yeah, sweet stuff?"

"Ah, sense making, you, oh, yes!"

"Honey, you know I never make sense."

"Unf."

"Feel better?"

"Verily."

"..."

"..."

Ok, I'm back! Sorry about earlier, guys. I went for a walk, had a brew and I think I'm ready for this. So let's get this party started!

"Too late. We partied just fine without your useless ass. Thanks for nothing," Deadpool said.

"Oh? 'Tis you again?" Luna asked between deep breaths.

Why is Luna speaking all season one like and panting so heavily?

"Well, about that party I mentioned earlier..."

And why is everything wet?

"Funny story, I–"

You know what, I'm gonna go ahead and stop you right there. I'm pretty sure I don't actually want to know the answer to any of those questions, anyways. Just, uh, ignore me and carry on, I guess.

"We would have ignored thou anyways," Luna muttered grumpily. She rolled over and wrapped a shaking wing around Deadpool, pulling him down in an only slightly awkward cuddle. He ran his fingers through her mane lazily.

"You tell that dumb author, Lulu," Deadpool said encouragingly. She snuggled up against him and sighed. He moved his hand from her silky, barely corporeal mane to her soft ears. She closed her eyes and nuzzled under his chin.

"There is something to be said for fingers," she murmured. Deadpool laughed.

"I ain't even shown you the half of what fingers can do, Sweetness," he said as he stroked his other hand down her belly. Luna moaned and then sighed.

"As delightful as that sounds, the time for my return to the waking world approaches," she said regretfully.

"Aw, so soon? But we just got started on the good stuff!" Deadpool said in protest, whining only a little bit.

"My body summons me. Perhaps, tomorrow night you can show me what human fingers can do that minotaur fingers cannot," she said as she faded from the dream.

"Yeah! Tomorrow night we can– Wait!"

* * *

"Whaddya mean, minotaur fingers?!" Deadpool shrieked as he abruptly jumped to his hooves.

_**[Zzzzzzzz]**_

**[*snort* Whazzat?]**

"Yah!" Spike cried out as he jumped away in surprise.

Deadpool leapt at Spike, picked him up and held him snout to snout as they hovered just above the crystal floor.

"How am I going to measure up to a fucking minotaur?" Deadpool said in a loud whine. Spike opened his mouth to reply, but Deadpool continued on, "I didn't know this world had those assholes in it. With their freaky, giant, bull d-" Deadpool seemed to remember that Spike was actually still a kid and also that the sun pony would probably roast him alive if he damaged him too badly. Deadpool cautiously set Spike back down and then awkwardly patted the top of his head. Spike was less than impressed.

_**[*yawn* I just had the most normal dream I can remember since getting my powers. Though some of the ones from before were actually pretty bad, come to think of it...]**_

Spike crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. Deadpool touched down and fluttered his wings nervously. He really did not care for fire.

"Minotaurs have freaky, giant, bull what now?" Spike said.

**[Distraction! Say that completed costume looks like a good one, let's take a look.]**

"Well, hey, would you look at that! My fairy godmother came by and magicked me up a pretty pony princess dress!" Deadpool declared loudly as he picked up the not quite spandex super suit and started putting it on.

Spike rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"That's a superhero costume, not a dress," Spike said in mild concern. Deadpool paused in his awkward flailing to look at the suit carefully.

"Shit, this is a suit. Uh, I knew that!" he said nervously as he now slipped into it surprisingly easily.

_**[Suuuurrrre you did, hot stuff, sure you did.]**_

**[I like dresses.]**

Spike idly wondered which demigod he had upset to be assigned as this weird pony's foalsitter. Then he remembered that it was Twilight.

"If you really want a dress I'm sure Rarity wouldn't mind making you one," he said in the long suffering tone of one familiar with the eccentricities of ponies. "She's getting a little bored since Tirek. Everypony is still recovering from his and Discord's magic stealing spree, and this tapestry won't take her long once she picks a design."

"Uh-huh. No idea what you're talking about, bud, but there's no time for that now! I need to make some mo-neigh!" Deadpool said. "Hey, you need anyone killed? I can give you a good deal! Half up front, half on completion."

"What? No! Don't go around killing ponies for bits, you'll get in big trouble!" Spike said in surprise.

**[Well, what can we kill ponies for, then?]**

"You don't! Don't kill ponies, it's wrong!" Spike snapped, green fire licking out of his mouth.

"It's kinda what I do. I am a mercenary, ya know." Deadpool said lazily. Spike seemed surprised.

"You are? Where's your license, then? And with which company?" Spike asked suspiciously.

_**[Seriously?]**_

**[Yes, yes! Licenses to kill!]**

"Wouldn't you know it, I left all my things with my other body!" Deadpool said cheerfully. Spike sighed the sigh of the long suffering sane dealing with the mad.

"Whatever, just don't kill anypony on my watch," Spike conceded. "Now, seriously, focus. You need a bath, it isn't really a choice, either," Spike added quickly when Deadpool opened his mouth to give his opinion on the matter. "Rarity summoned Aloe to take care of you while she disciplines the help."

Deadpool wiggled his eyebrows suggestively under his mask.

_**[I'm not gonna lie, that's kinda hawt.]**_

**[I think you mean scary. Me no likey the getting vivisected.]**

Deadpool shuddered.

"Thanks for the flashbacks, asshat," he muttered in irritation at his boxes. "Being tied down sucks," he offered in explanation at Spike's expression.

"I'll, uh, take your word for it? Anyways, come on, this way to your frou-frou spa time," Spike said as he started walking out the room. Deadpool flew beside him, trailed by his boxes.

**[Oh, oh, I hope we get a "happy ending"! ;p]**

_**[Unlikely.]**_

**[8==========~~~~~~~~~]**

_**[Mature. Real mature. I'm pretty sure the reader understood your quotation marks and winky tee-hee emoji.]**_

**[~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~]**

_**[*sigh* Really?]**_

"LOL, healing factor!" Deadpool said saucily.

_**[*facepalm* Can we end this chapter now? Please.]**_


	7. Chapter the Seventh

Author's Notes: Reminder Yellow is **bold text** and Courier Font/White is **_italic and bold text_**.

FYI a fromagier is in charge of cheeses and a sommelier is in charge of wines.

* * *

In which Our Hero gets a bath

"I simply can't believe that nopony, not one, performed their duties last night. It is _appalling_ that the _entire staff_ -" Rarity paused to gaze sternly at the rows of shamefaced ponies standing before her. "-was cowering in the cellars like a group of school colts and fillies. No, not even like school ponies, for my dear sister and her little friends have more courage and _common decency_ than the lot of you!" One foolhardy earth pony with a grape bunch cutie mark raised his hoof.

"B-begging your pardon Lady Rarity, but my job is in the cellar," he said. An earth pony with a cutie mark of a cheese wheel missing a slice nodded in agreement. The other ponies quietly edged away from them.

"Oh? Did you, perhaps, seeing your co-workers shirk their duty to the princess, take it upon yourselves to deliver the wine and some snacking cheeses to our guest, and ensure his comfort then?" Rarity asked, her voice cloyingly sweet.

The fromagier and sommelier looked at each other nervously.

"Er, not, in-ah, so many words," said the sommelier. The fromagier laid his ears back and lowered his head. He mumbled something half heartedly.

Rarity tapped her hoof rather like a teacher demanding the attention of her students.

"Don't mumble, Mr. Curd, it is unbecoming. Now, what words would you use, exactly, then, Mr. Bunch?" Rarity said.

"Um, no. No we didn't do that. We, uh," Mr. Bunch bowed his head and lowered his ears, "We ate Soft Curd's cheese plate and hid in the root cellar." Mr. Bunch scuffed a hoof against the floor contritely. Soft Curd, the fromagier, stood up straighter and looked at Rarity.

"I'm sorry I mumbled. But, I did make a cheese plate, for late night snacking. Burst Bunch was gossiping with the maids and they ate it all up without delivering it! And, and the stories they were saying about that new pony..." Soft Curd looked down at the floor and shuffled his hooves nervously. "They were really scary."

Rarity paused and recalled her own shameful behavior back when Zecora had been new to town.

"Well, I know how scary strange ponies can be," Rarity said kindly. Then turned her serious gaze to all the ponies. "But I had thought that we were quite clear on what to expect when working for Princess Twilight and the rest of us. We can hardly call ourselves the Friendship Kingdom if the Princess can't provide for her subjects; and this pony is still a pony! How will you act when griffins and zebras and buffalo start petitioning our Princess?" She shook her head sadly. "Well, if you think you need a position elsewhere after yesterday, that is understandable. I will make sure that you receive your letters of recommendation. I know that actually facing such... excitement is very different than how you imagined it to be." Rarity paused. The assembled ponies looked at each other nervously, yet nopony stepped forward to resign.

Suddenly a pink blur of excited energy burst into the room, leaving a trail of confusion and party invitations. The help stood in a bewildered disarray with invitations variously in their hooves, manes and mouths. The latter seemed especially stunned. It stopped in front of Rarity and resolved itself into Pinkie Pie. She bounced and pronked eagerly in place as she gave Rarity an invitation and waited for her to open it.

Rarity, rather used to Pinkie Pie, ignored the chaos and took the invitation in her magic field. She opened it to reveal a somewhat-longer-than-usual-for-an-invitation invitation that said, in a rather silly font. "You're invited to Deadpool's Welcome to Ponyville Sorry Our Princesses Killed You Congratulations Party!" And continued on with the time, date, location and other such party related things.

"Oh, er, that is a rather _specific_ sort of party for our new friend," Rarity said, not for the first time flummoxed by the party pony.

* * *

Elsewhere in Equestria a lanky, curly-haired pony in a poncho and cowpoke hat shivered in a particular, peculiar manner and shared an enigmatic gaze with the rubber chicken riding on his back.

"This one's gonna be a doozy, Boneless Two."

* * *

Pinkie Pie leapt up and let loose a mighty squee. If she hovered weirdly longer than a reasonable earth pony should, Rarity paid it no nevermind. The squee shook the still assembled staff out of their daze. They quickly returned to their duties. Which, at this point, mostly consisted of clocking out and leaving the palace grounds as quickly as possible since their shift was technically over with the sunrise.

As Pinkie floated back down to her hooves, Rarity realized that her squee actually contained entire words, and at least one sentence. Knowing that the best way to get her to speak sensibly was a distraction, Rarity asked her a question about the invitation.

"Pinkie, dear, I rather understand the first two... celebrations, but what are we offering our congratulations for?"

Pinkie paused in her excited explanation of her adventures in cherry chimichanga making to gaze disconcertingly at nothing and wink knowingly. She leaned uncomfortably close to Rarity's ear and whispered, "Spoilers!"

Rarity let out a huff of annoyance and took a step back.

"Really, Pinkie!" Rarity said in a familiar sort of fond irritation. "I hadn't thought he had anypony with him, is all. If this is a reception on top of a welcoming party and, er, apology party, then I need some clue so that I can bring an appropriate gift!" Rarity said. Her tone was annoyed, but it was a cunning ploy for more details. She tossed her mane and flipped be tail theatrically. Pinkie Pie looked around the now empty room suspiciously and made a "come here" motion with her hoof. Rarity leaned in, ready for gossip.

"Deadpool didn't come here alone, silly!" Pinkie said at her normal volume. Rarity let out a startled and undignified squawk at the surprising not-whisper. Pinkie Pie giggled and bounced away, her cheerful singing voice echoing throughout the castle.

Rarity brushed invisible lint off of her coat and took a moment to recover her center.

"Whatever could she mean?" Rarity said quietly, a thoughtful look upon her face as she made her way back to her makeshift sewing room.

* * *

Political leaders the world over have busy schedules. Princess Twilight Sparkle was no exception. What with overseeing the rebuilding of her newly acquired kingdom, caring for her not-quite-a-brother Spike, visiting with her friends, establishing an entire bureaucracy from the top down, saving the entire planet from a fate worse than death, visiting with different friends, completing impossible spells left by ancient sages, discovering new dimensions, writing letters to her (former) mentor, researching the magic of friendship, and hearing petitions from her subjects, not to mention the sundry tasks needed to remain clean, conscious and courteous, well, Twilight Sparkle had a very busy schedule, indeed.

Currently she was in her new, mostly empty library, levitating an invitation, scroll and quill and ink. She was grumbling to herself as she reorganized her weekly schedule to fit in the party being thrown by her pink friend. A brown owl was snoozing on a slightly singed perch with the nameplate of Owlicious on the base. This didn't seem to be the source of the slightly burnt scent hanging in the air, though. Fluttershy stood next to Owlicious, fluttering her wings anxiously and quietly calling Twilight's name.

"Well, I'll just have to reschedule the Froggy Bottom Bog frog counting to the day after," she said out loud, unaware that Fluttershy had been quietly trying to get her attention.

"Oh, um, that's OK, Twilight, I understand. One day isn't going to make that big of a difference in their population, afterall," Fluttershy said quietly. She looked at the floor then looked up at Twilight in concern. "We mustn't put it off any longer though, if, um, your schedule has room for it, I mean." She hid her face behind her mane. "That is, it will be too dangerous to do the count if we can't find that grumpy hydra and give them a nap before we start, so I hope you can still make it."

Twilight gave a start and peered at Fluttershy in confusion.

"Fluttershy! When did you get here?" Twilight said in surprise. Then she shook her head and set her schedule, quill and ink down, "Nevermind, that's not important now. Of course I'll help you with that, it's just that-" Twilight saw that Fluttershy had an invitation poking out of her mane and laughed tiredly while gesturing to the envelope, "you know how Pinkie Pie gets. She'll keep throwing the party until everypony makes an appearance."

Fluttershy nodded in agreement.

"Who?" asked Owlicious as he blinked his eyes sleepily. Twilight narrowed her eyes at him and stomped her hoof.

"I told you, Owlicious, that pegasus pony that caused all the, the, the stuff. Last night," Twilight said in a huff, unwilling to go into detail in front of her shy friend. Fluttershy giggled shyly and ducked her head behind her mane.

"I'm sure Owlicious remembers, he's just sleepy," Fluttershy said softly. Twilight flicked her wings and blew a puff of air in frustration.

"I need to organize the workers for the day!" Twilight started on as if the little incident hadn't happened. Fluttershy perked up and attempted to get Twilight's attention again.

"Oh, um, I don't think," Fluttershy said quietly. Twilight continued describing her schedule and exactly how it had gotten out of alignment as she began prancing anxiously out of the disconcertedly barren crystal library. "you need to worry about that—" Fluttershy tried again. Twilight flared her wings in surprise and wheeled to face Fluttershy.

"What kind of Princess is late to her own meetings that she scheduled herself?!" Princess Twilight Sparkle cried out, angry at herself for getting her day out of order. Fluttershy let out a quiet squeak and cowered behind her own mane and wings at Twilight's outburst.

"Th-th-th-th-that is to s-s-s-say, I-I-I mean," Fluttershy began. Twilight lowered her wings and knelt down to nuzzle Fluttershy.

"I'm sorry Fluttershy," she said contritely. "It doesn't matter how much stress I'm under, I should never yell at my friends like that," Twilight said, then sniffed a bit and continued on, "I'm just so scared that I'm going to do something terrible and, and, and this time it won't be OK!"

Fluttershy gently patted Twilight's hoof with her own and wrapped her wings around her, surprise forgotten.

"There, there, Twilight. I know it seems bad now, but if we all work together we'll pull through. I'm sorry your day, um, week is going so poorly, but Applejack is helping with the workers. That's why I said earlier that you shouldn't worry. With your friends to help, you can do anything," Fluttershy said, her voice quiet and kind. Twilight took heart and gave Fluttershy a fierce hug. Fluttershy squeed meekly. Twilight released her and took a step back, brushing at her eyes with one wing.

"Thank you Fluttershy. I'm sorry, again, for yelling at you, it wasn't OK. I'm so lucky to have such good friends as you," Twilight said. She took a deep breath and raised her hoof to her chest, held it a moment, and then exhaled slowly as she pushed her hoof away. She repeated this two more times and then resumed her walk as Fluttershy kept pace beside her.

"Um, it's, it's a lovely day for a bath," Fluttershy began timidly. Twilight Sparkle was somewhat less than sparkling right now, and past experience told Fluttershy that the direct method of telling her she needed a bath didn't work out so well when Twilight was in a worrying sort of mood.

Twilight, lost in thought, made a noncommittal sort of sound. Fluttershy nervously began leading their walking and started steering Twilight towards the baths.

"It, uh, sure would be nice to get clean and relax, with a friend," Fluttershy said in an awkward attempt at convincing Twilight to bathe without telling her that she smelled rather like scorched blood and it was probably poor form for the Princess of Friendship to smell like she had just come from a fiery battle. Down that path lay at least one panic attack.

Thankfully, for everypony, Twilight's thoughts were so engrossing that she did not notice as they entered the baths.

The baths, like everything else in the palace, were built with a blue sort of crystal. They were modeled on the ancient Hippo-Roanan social baths of old. Near the front were pink crystal cubbies hanging over a row of golden pegs. All but one cubby was filled with soft, fluffy towels. The one cubby had a dirty journal and red pencil in it and some black and red clothing was hanging from its peg. There were few small baths set into the floor, as well as one rather large hot bath for soaking behind them. There was also a wet sauna and a full spa.

Twilight had started muttering to herself as she worked over an unspecified problem in her mind, as such she remained oblivious while Fluttershy cautiously led her into one of the washing baths. Fluttershy looked meekly around for the soap and loofah, and let out a startled "eep" as a team of ponies armed with bath products leapt out from seemingly no where and set to work lathering her and Twilight's coats and manes. Fluttershy froze from anxiety while Twilight remained in a world of what sounded like thaumic theory. After the bubbly assault was complete, the bath ponies gently rinsed the two mares, bowed, and disappeared.

After a few moments of quiet trembling, Fluttershy became aware of a peculiar sort of sound that made her think of somepony writing something. Which was strange, as it sounded nothing like a quill on paper. After a few more moments she regained control of herself enough to look about, and saw a white box floating in the air near the spa. It bounced about in a sort of greeting when it noticed Fluttershy looking at it. Twilight remained lost in thought.

"Oh, um, hello," Fluttershy said, her voice quieter than a whisper. The box displayed what she assumed were words, and a symbol that she recognized, a question mark.

_**[Say what now?]**_

She tried again, "Hi there." It came out a bit louder.

_**[Huh?]**_

Two question marks. She took a deep breath, "Hello!" she said, at a quiet but audible volume.

_**[Hi pony lady!]**_

It had an exclamation mark and bounced about again in something like a wave. Fluttershy looked around and carefully guided Twilight out of the bath. Water streamed from their coats and hair. Before she could step toward the towels, the bath ponies reappeared, armed with soft and absorbent fabric. Fluttershy squeaked, froze in shock, and then fell over. After a flurry of terrycloth, the two mares were now dry, if a bit more fluffy than before the bath.

Fluttershy lay where she had fell, panting nervously and hoping fervently that an assault of curry combs and hairbrushes was not in her immediate future. Twilight Sparkle started drawing arcane runes in the water left on the floor. After a few moments she wiped them out and tried again.

Fluttershy thought she heard a familiar, feminine murmur coming from the spa area. Which was a bit peculiar, as Spa Day was scheduled for two days from now and Aloe was a punctual, and thoroughly scheduled pony. Fluttershy attempted to call out but barely managed a tiny little meeping sound.

_**[OMG. That is one of the cutest things I have ever seen!]**_

A yellow box seemed to peer around the corner, then floated fully into view.

**[Whazzat? Fainting ponies?]**

_**[And she sounds like a kitten!]**_

Fluttershy twitched her wings and wiggled her hooves helplessly. She managed to bump against Twilight, squeaking at the surprise contact.

**[That is fucking adorable.]**

_**[I hope she isn't the only one with that response.]**_

Twilight jumped and looked about in confusion.

**[That would make our job a helluva lot easier if they just fell over when they saw us. Instead of, you know, running away. Or fighting for their lives.]**

"Fluttershy! Oh, I'm sorry I must have zoned out for a moment there," Twilight said with an embarrassed laugh. Her magical magenta corona flared into existence around her horn and Fluttershy as she righted her toppled friend. Fluttershy trembled for a few moments before letting out a quiet, deep breath and lowering her wings.

**_[_If _they see us. Though how are we going to use a sniper rifle with these hooves? Ugh.]_**

"Oh, thank you Twilight. I'm sorry to be such a bother. It's just that, well, I wasn't expecting, um, bath ponies?" Fluttershy said. Twilight looked around with a bit more care this time.

**[Srsly. We need to get our hands back. This hoof crap is lame sauce.]**

"What are we doing in the baths?" Twilight said, perplexed.

"Oh, um, well," Fluttershy said in while she tried to think. Twilight noticed the two boxes.

"You!" she said, with a crack of sound and flash of magenta she was across the room.

_**[She can bamf?]**_

**[Ugh, bamf'rs.]**

"Bamf isn't a word," Twilight Sparkle snapped at the boxes.

"Uh, yeah it is. Bamf is the sound bamf'rs make in our 'verse," Deadpool, or rather, Wade said helpfully from the spa. Where currently he was mostly submerged in Aloe's Alleviating Alluvial Ablution while Aloe massaged his relaxed wings. Twilight snorted, stamped her hoof, and then performed six of her calming exercises. "Why are you two bothering Starbutt, anyways? I don't want to grow back my entire nervous system again. Once was enough for, oh, the rest of the month, at least."

**[Hey! We was mindin' our own business!]**

Thankfully Twilight had closed her eyes for her calming breaths, and so missed the terrible grammar.

_**[Yeah! I was just having a conversation with the adorable butterfly pony when she bamf'd over here.]**_

Wade snickered immaturely as the courier font text box 'said' butterfly.

"Princess Twilight, I'm sorry if we've interrupted your day. Miss Rarity summoned me for a spa-mergency this morning, and my goodness, it looks like I came just in time," said the pink earth pony mare that was obviously Aloe. Her cutie mark was White Aloe Vera, a magical herb renowned for its soothing and healing properties. Her light blue mane was pulled back with a white hair band, and she wore a classy, white neckband.

"Oh, er, yes. Very good!" Twilight Sparkle said in embarrassed confusion. There was a bowl of sliced cucumbers next to Wade's head, which he was using to make pseudo-pixel art of a human Deadpool killing ninjas. Ostensibly as pony mouth grabbing practice, but also for snacks. Mostly it looked like a deformed arc reactor made out of cucumber slices. But the only beings that could tell him exactly how he had failed weren't paying attention to him.

A magical gramophone sort of device was playing relaxing music from one corner, and the tension relieving scent of jasmine and bergamot filled the spa. Fluttershy waved meekly at Aloe.

"Hello Aloe," she said softly. Aloe dipped her head in greeting.

"Hello Fluttershy, dear," Aloe said as she flexed and rubbed the tension out of Wade's wing. He groaned indecently and muttered something mostly unintelligible regarding moons. The boxes slumped against each other and floated a bit lower to the ground.

_**[Man, that really is nice.]**_

**[Mmm-Hmmm...]**

_**[I'm almost going to miss our wings.]**_

"Yeah, but these hooves are a joke," Wade said lazily. "I mean, how am I supposed to do anything _fun_ with _hooves_." He stuck out his tongue and blew a noisy raspberry. Aloe tut-tutted but otherwise didn't comment.

"Wait, what do you mean by that?" Twilight Sparkle said.

"I can't exactly jerk it with hooves," Wade said, as if it were patently obvious. The mares stared at him in incomprehension. Clearly, some slang was not universal.

"Um, well, if somepony can't use their hooves then they use their mouth instead," Fluttershy said. "Some pegasi can use their wings almost as well as magic, um that is, if you practice."

**[Mouth!?]**

_**[Wings?!]**_

"Sounds like way too much work. I already know how to use my fingers, thanks. I just have to get them back."

"Oh! You mean you aren't actually a pony? I know a transmogrification spell that can help! You were something with fingers, then? Was it a Diamond Dog?" Twilight asked in a flare of her corona she grabbed Wade in her magical grip. He squawked loudly and tried to get away, which splashed viscous sparkling mud everywhere.

"Oh, um, Twi-twilight," Flutters said, unheard over the ruckus. Aloe stomped her hooves in distress.

"Princess Twilight! Please put Mr. Pool down!" Aloe said, her Hippean accent becoming more pronounced.

"Oh! But I'm sure I've got it!"

**[What the fuck is a diamond dog?]**

_**[Dammit woman, we're human!]**_

"Hu-human?!" Twilight Sparkle said in astonishment.

"Did we stutter?" Wade said.

Twilight winced as she dispersed the magic she had gathered for her spell. Wade squealed and giggled as her aura flared over him, splattering the mud coating his body all about the spa.

"Sorry! Sorry!" Twilight said loudly. She placed his now mud free form on the ground. "I uh, I guess, I'm still... backlashed..." she said haltingly.

"Oh, oh my, you look, um... you look... nice," Fluttershy said.

Through some special healing alchemy, his previously mangy looking gray coat was now plush and gleaming. His smaller scars were hidden under his fur, while his larger scars had grown in white. His still long tail was a rich, burnished gold.

"Yeah, well next time don't stab my boxes or it'll be a lot worse than a headache," Wade said matter of factly.

Aloe puffed out her chest and gestured at Wade proudly. His ears and wings shifted nervously as he looked around at the staring mares. The white text box started laughing.

"Do you see what a professional can do?" Aloe said, oblivious to the white text box's amusement. Fluttershy nodded mutely, her wings trembling. Twilight's wings rose half way in contemplation of the well muscled, incredibly fit stallion before her. Wade turned his head around to examine his wings and body.

"Oh jeebus, what did you do to me?" Wade said in horror as he realized he was now shimmering and slightly fluffier than usual.

**[We're sparkly now. Ugh.]**

_**[Oh my god, I need a picture! You really are a little pony princess!]**_

"You're a little pony princess!" Wade said irritably at his boxes. "It's not like it's going to last, anyways. The good ol' healing factor will kick in soon enough"

**[It always does.]**

_**[Until then though... What say we show that spa pony lady our appreciation for the reprieve.]**_

"Weasels go pop now?" Wade said in confusion.

**[I sure hope not, who're we gonna get cheap, illegal pretties from, then?]**

_**[Reprieve, dumbass, reprieve. It means break. Thank the nice lady for the break from the insanity causing pain.]**_

"Oh, yeah! I can do that," Wade said cheerfully.

_**[Idiot.]**_

Wade bounced over to Aloe and picked her up in an awkward hug.

"Thanks nice lady for the sparkly mud bath! It was magical!" he said cheerfully. Aloe blushed, though it was somewhat hard to tell under her pink coat.

"Please! Mr. Pool, I am a professional," she said in protest. Though she returned the hug, just a tiny bit.

"Well OK!" he said happily, and planted a sloppy, wet, cucumber flavored kiss on her lips. Twilight and Fluttershy gaped at him in shock, Fluttershy's trembling wings unfurling to half mast, as it were. After an indecent amount of time, he broke away and pranced across the spa. Aloe remained rooted in place, blinking dazedly.

"Ladies," he said in his most suave voice as he passed them at a prance and then proceeded to parkour across the baths. Though the spa session did nothing for his internal scarring, so his most suave voice sounded rather less like Ryan Reynolds than he liked to imagine. Rather more like gasoline over gravel, actually.

His text boxes floated along with his head, their font too small to make out.

The three surprised mares watched as he proceeded to accidentally and obliviously flirt by getting dressed into his new spandex-ish suit. Fluttershy's wings popped all the way up at the risque display of healthy, well toned stallion flank being covered up by clothing.

"I'm gonna go find breakfast, any of you ladies wanna get a bite?" he called. They stared. He shrugged, "Eh, suit yourselves," he said as he leapt out of the room. The fading sounds of parkour and 'kiyah's' echoed through the door from the hallway.

"His flank!" Twilight said as her brain finally kicked back in gear. She knew last evening, before he'd, well, died, apparently, his cutie mark hadn't had that blue fire behind it. Though her mouth might not have articulated her thoughts quite right.

"Oh, my, yes. That flank..." Fluttershy said with a sigh next to her.

"Forget the flank, that _mouth_," said Aloe.


	8. Chapter the Eighth

Notes: Reminder Yellow is bold text and Courier Font/White is italic and bold text. TRIGGER WARNING: Torture (Deadpool's origin story)

* * *

In which Our Hero does save innocent fillies from sure peril [part one]

Three little fillies carefully pulled themselves out from under a little red wagon. The remains of a large wooden house surrounded them. They had no cutie marks.

"Well, that didn't go according to plan at all," said the little unicorn filly. She shook her tail and combed a hoof through her pink and and lavender mane, knocking loose some alarmingly large splinters of wood.

"I don't know what went wrong, I built everything according to the blueprints," said the little earth pony filly. She gave herself a quick shake and straightened the large magenta hair bow in her mane.

"Haha, yeah, the blueprints," said the little pegasus filly. She laughed nervously and took off her helmet to give it a cursory inspection for damage, then she righted the overturned wagon. All three fillies gave their flanks very thorough inspections, and seemed disappointed at the results.

"Well, I guess we aren't getting our cutie marks in construction work, then," said the pegasus filly. The three fillies took this most recent failure in stride.

"Well, I don't know about y'all but I didn't really want some nails for a cutie mark, anyways," said the little earth pony.

"I dunno, Apple Bloom, a hammer would be pretty sweet," said the little pegasus. The little unicorn made a face of disgust at the idea.

"You'd think a frog cutie mark would be 'pretty sweet', Scootaloo," said the unicorn filly. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom snorted.

"Like you wouldn't be happy with a frog cutie mark, if you got one, Sweetie Belle!" Scootaloo said. She was searching through the remains of their amateurly built house for something.

"Well, yeah. I guess it'd be OK," said Sweetie Belle.

"It'd be somethin'," Apple Bloom said, her head tilted down and ears lowered.

"But how would you get a frog cutie mark, anyways?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Yeah, we already tried takin' care of Fluttershy's pets and well…" Apple Bloom said, trailing off as she wiggled her still blank flank in explanation. Scootaloo shuddered.

"Don't remind me, ugh. I don't think I can ever [i]look[/i] at a bunny ever again," Scootaloo said. She kicked over some rubble and pulled out a slightly battered, but well maintained scooter.

"You know, I think I overheard Fluttershy saying something about counting frogs in Froggy Bottom Bog…" Sweetie Belle said, with a thoughtful expression as she tried to recall what exactly Fluttershy had been saying.

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom shared a look of cautious optimism.

"Cutie Mark Crusaders frog counters—" they began to say, lifting their hooves up in the air tentatively. Sweetie Belle shrugged and lifted her hoof up as well, "Yay!" they cried out in unison.

* * *

"Oh man, is that pork? I love pork!" Deadpool said in excitement as he bounced into the dining hall. During the reconstruction of Ponyville there was always a spread of food out for anyone in need. Right now, Princess Celestia and Spike were seated comfortably on the floor at a small table. The only other ponies were a few palace staff.

**[I like porking better.]**

**[Ha. Ha. So original.]**

"Uh, yeah. It's only the best pork in Equestria!" Spike said, ignoring the text boxes. Celestia glared at the yellow text box, but otherwise did not comment.

**[Yeesh. Everybody's a critic.]**

"You have my attention, dragon-boy," Deadpool said as he started to pile a plate high with various cheeses and fritters.

"It's from Sweet Apple Acres," Spike said as if that were explanation enough. Deadpool made a face at the healthy salads, but did take some of the succulent fruits.

**[You say that like it explains everything.]**

**[Oh, and I'm unoriginal? You're just repeating what the author already typed. Lazybutt.]**

**[I'm just moving the plot along. Do you really want to be here any longer?]**

"They eat apples and acorns and mushrooms. Though the mushrooms really don't help their flavor, they just like to eat them. I think," Spike said. He scrunched up his nose and said, "Pigs are kind of weird."

Celestia sipped regally at her fruit smoothie and gazed out the open windows, enjoying the pleasant spring breeze.

"I think it's pretty hilarious," Deadpool said as he looked between his plate piled high with a tower of food-that-wasn't-pork and the perfectly prepared pork roast. "I mean, of all the animals that can't talk, it's the pigs," he added by way of explanation. He flexed his shimmering wings thoughtfully, inadvertently drawing Spike's attention to them.

"Why are you sparkling?" Spike said.

**[*snicker*]**

**[*giggle*]**

"Oh, shut up," Deadpool said, his ears slanting and tail lashing in irritation. Then coming to a decision he took the plate in his mouth and hovered carefully. Carrying the roast in his hooves he flew over to Spike and Celestia, then dropped the roast on the table with a messy plop. Celestia took another, calming sip of her smoothie. Spike gaped in astonishment.

"You're going to eat the whole thing?" Spike said. Deadpool sat his plate carefully on the table, leaving his precariously balanced tower still standing.

"Well, duh. I'm starving! Regrowing entire organ systems is fu—" Celestia turned her gaze on Deadpool, "uh I mean, really calorie intensive. Meat is really calorie dense, especially fatty meats."

**[That was suspiciously helpful, coming from you.]**

**[Queenie said she wanted to know things to help us get ourselves back and get home.]**

"Besides, we have what, two more chapters after this? We better hurry it on up," Deadpool said.

**[Wikiwiki.]**

**[Chop, chop, author. Time's a wastin'.]**

"I am a Princess, there are no Queens in Equestria," Princess Celestia said calmly.

Spike reached out a clawed hand and tore off a chunk of meat. Deadpool rolled up his mask over his snout and set to eating his leaning tower of 'pizza'. For a few minutes there was only the sound of noisy eating echoing in the dining room.

"Ah-hah! I thought that I'd find you here! Deadpool, what did you mean, you were human? I mean it obviously makes sense that you'd be a pony [b]now[/b], since I didn't stay a pony through that mirror. But that mirror isn't active right now, so maybe it [b]doesn't[/b] make sense. Did you come in through a mirror? If you didn't come in through a mirror how did you get here, then? I wonder if it has anything to do with those reports about the Everfree Forest? How long have you been here? Were you in the Everfree Forest yesterday? Last night?" Twilight Sparkle said as she entered the dining room and spotted Deadpool. She was still slightly fluffier than usual. Deadpool waved at her with a wing but otherwise didn't interrupt his eating to address any of her questions.

**[Whoa there Silver. You need to simmer down, now.]**

**[Seriously, I had to go back and read your words before that made sense.]**

"What? But I'm not writing anything down, I'm speaking," Twilight said in confusion.

**[Exactly.]**

"Uh… OK?" said Twilight with her ears and head cocked in confusion.

**[And yes, human. Two feet, two hands—]**

**[With fingers!]**

**[*sigh* Yes, hands with fingers.]**

**[And the mouth! We can't be the Merc with the Mouth if we don't have a mouth!]**

Deadpool let out a loud, smelly belch.

"Ugh, god, Wolverine: Origins was such a shitty movie. I can't believe people even watched it," he said, apparently in response to the text box. Twilight stared at him in consternation. Spike had paused his eating to gaze in awe at the source of such an amazing belch. Princess Celestia closed her eyes and drank from her smoothie in silence.

The text boxes' 'conversation' devolved into nigh incomprehensible Ryan Reynolds references and movie talk.

Deadpool waved a hoof with nonchalance as he started eating the roast, not bothering to cut any meat off and put it on his plate. Spike narrowed his eyes at him and started tearing off chunks as well. It quickly devolved into a speed competition between the two of them.

"I guess?" Twilight did know what movies were, from her time in the human world, but that still was a bit of a strange non-sequitur. She winced and cringed as she watched the impromptu, messy, noisy food contest between the two. After a moment she regained her composure. "Spike!"

Spike froze in place. His 'Who, me?' expression was somewhat ruined by the shank bone still in his jaws. Deadpool took the chance to gnaw at some of the meat still hanging on to it, then fell over when Spike bit clean through the bone still in is his mouth.

"Ow," Deadpool said from his face plant into the table, dropping the bone. Spike quickly grabbed the prize and leapt back to his seat.

"Spike, really. You've been raised better than this," Twilight said in reproach. Spike crunched down and swallowed the split bones. He pointed at Deadpool accusingly.

"He started it!" Spike said. Twilight stared at Spike. Spike stared at Twilight. Deadpool sulked back to his seat and slurped at his tea. Celestia gazed up at the ceiling, questioning everything that had lead to the previous twenty-four hours.

"Fine. I'm sorry I ate half the roast. There!" Spike said with a huff and a small lick of green flame. He crossed his arms and turned his head away from Twilight. Twilight sighed and shook her head.

"Anyways, Deadpool, if you need help getting back to your world you've come to the right place! I just need to know a bit more about you, and your world. I've brought some items I'd like you to look at and tell me if you recognize them, please."

Deadpool lashed his shining tail and laid his mask covered ears back.

"Fine, OK. But I reserve the right to punch you in the face if start getting too psycho-babble-y," Deadpool said with reservation in his voice.

"Haha, Deadpool, you kidder, you," Twilight said as she laughed nervously. "Well, anyways, here we go!" Twilight said as she showed Deadpool a photo of her as a human, with her human friends.

**[What kind of aliens are those?]**

**[Is that a Krylorian?]**

"What? No. No aliens. These are my human friends," Twilight said as she looked at the picture of her with her human friends in confusion. "What's a Krylorian?"

**[One syllable away from a flux capacitor?]**

**[2/10: Needs Improvement.]**

"Krylorians are basically bright pink humans, but not really," Deadpool said. "They stay about human sized their whole life, I mean relatively speaking. You know, babies are baby sized, kids are kid sized, adults are adult sized. Not, like, they sprout up fully formed. That isn't any fun kind of reproduction."

He looked at the picture of the 'humans' again, "They're kinda, sorta, really, fu—," with a nervous glance to Celestia, who was now glaring at him again, Deadpool continued on, "flarking skinny. And colorful. I mean, yeah humans have been both pink and blue, but they aren't **supposed** to be."

**[Unless they're mutants.]**

"Right, unless they've got a lame power that involves being pink and/or blue," Deadpool conceded.

**[Man. Way to get our hopes up.]**

"Yeah, I thought knowing about alternate dimensions was a little **too** convenient. Ugh," Deadpool said. The corona around Twilight's horn flared as she returned the photo to where it had been summoned from.

"Well, we'll just have to figure something else out. I really need more data about your species," Twilight said cheerfully. Deadpool stood up and flared his wings wide.

"No more data!" he snapped. Twilight took a step back and raised her hoof in a calming motion. Spike jumped in surprise and stared. Celestia placed her smoothie on the table.

"No need to be alarmed, I'm just going to do whatever I want, Wade," Twilight Sparkle said, smiling wide as she brought a shining scalpel towards him.

**[Oh.]**

**[Literally triggered.]**

**[Shit.]**

"NO! I won't let you! Never again!" Deadpool screamed and reared back, forelegs thrashing and wings flailing. Twilight laughed cruelly.

"My dear Wade, how can you stop me?" she said smoothly, her gloves and scalpel dripping red with blood.

**[DEADPOOL! Killebrew is dead! That's not him!]**

"Death before experimentation!" Deadpool cried out as he leapt at Twilight Sparkle. Purple light flooded the room and he couldn't move. He couldn't move his arms, his wrists, his hands. He tugged and strained, feeling the leather restraints digging into his skin, cutting. Cutting. Cutting his flesh, breaking his sternum, breaking his ribs.

**[I'll kill you!]**

**[Snap out of it, Deadpool!]**

Breaking his ribs a second time as they were pinned down with sharp, cold metal. Cold. So cold. Cold air on his chest-not-chest. Cold air on his ribs-lungs-heart-stomach-diaphragm.

**[You're a dead man!]**

Cold, smooth latex covered hands. Bright, stabbing purple light. No...

"Deadpool!"

Not stabbing. Tingling.

**[DEADPOOL!]**

Not inside his body. On his body, his skin.

**[Deadpool?]**

And a really nice warm fuzzy feeling coming from outside his head. Kinda weird, actually. He looked around and saw rather less blood than he had thought there'd be, actually. Like, practically none, really. He and his yellow box were covered in a magenta glow.

**[Finally! Deadpool, focus.]**

"Focusing, I'm focusing," Deadpool said woozily.

"Deadpool, are you OK now?" Twilight Sparkle said in concern. He focused his gaze on her and was surprised to see they were less than a foot apart.

"Mostly OK, I guess. What's the damage?" he said as he looked around. Spike gazed up at him in shock. The table was overturned, the contents spilled about the floor in a mess. Celestia continued to serenely drink her smoothie.

"Nopony was hurt, we just knocked over the table, is all," Twilight Sparkle said. "Are you sure you're OK?"

**[He's not seeing things anymore.]**

**[Mmm, this magic is all soft.]**

Deadpool's back leg started twitching, "Why is everything so **nice** now?" he asked.

**[Wizard did it. Doing it. Is doing it now.]**

**[Uh, yeah, I guess it's the magic around yellow. Ol' screw loose started flailing at everything when you lost it.]**

"I'm, I'm sorry Deadpool. I had no idea…" Twilight Sparkle lowered her eyes and ears. "I didn't mean to remind you of bad things. I just wanted to help…"

"No experiments and we're cool," Deadpool said, wings rising and eyes drooping. Twilight gently set him on his hooves and released her magic from around his body and his yellow box.

"Of course. I'm sure I can find some books that will help us, it will just take a while longer. If that's OK?" Twilight said. Deadpool shook his head and fluttered his wings.

"Yeah, sure," he said.

There was an awkward moment of silence before Twilight set to righting the table and various displaced items with her magic.

Very distantly, a cry of "Cutie Mark Crusaders, go!" could be heard. Deadpool cocked his head, Twilight froze. Princess Celestia looked to Spike.

"Spike," she said calmly. "Take a letter." Spike jumped to attention with a scroll and self inking quill in his claws, ready to write.

"Of course, Princess Celestia!" he said, whole body practically vibrating with purpose.

"Dear Moony, I'm taking a sabbatical. Love, Celly."

"Dear… Moony," Spike said, muttering under his breath as he wrote the letter. Slightly closer than the other shouts, four very large throats roared in distress.

"W-wait! What?" Princess Twilight said, tail lashing and wings raised in shock.

"Please send it to Princess Luna, Spike," Celestia said calmly. With a puff of green flame, the letter was magicked away. Celestia turned to face Twilight and placed a calming hoof upon her shoulder.

"I have the utmost faith in your abilities, Princess Twilight," Celestia said, in her most regal and serene voice. Then with a golden flash of magic and with a quiet, clear 'bamf' she was gone.

Twilight's mane sprung out of place and feathers shed from her upraised wings. Deadpool looked at Twilight.

"So I'm guessing that's a rain cheque on getting me home, then?" he asked her. She stomped her hoof on the ground, making a loud 'cl-ting' noise. Then she looked at Deadpool with narrowed eyes.

"You're some kind of superhero, right?" she snapped at him, ears laid back.

**[That is not an entirely inaccurate statement.]**

**[We do have superpowers and wear spandex.]**

"Eh, close enough," Deadpool said with a shrug of his wings.

"Well then, you're coming with me! Spike, get the girls!" Twilight said with authority. Spike saluted and took off running.

Deadpool crouched and raised his wings, Twilight's corona lit, and with a brilliant magenta flare they were gone.


End file.
